Warbling

BOOKS OF 2012

2012-01-26T20:06:00.001-08:00

1. In the Garden of Beasts, Erik Larson2. Daddy-Long-Legs & Dear Enemy, Jean Webster3. The Spirit Catches You And You Fall Down, Anne Fadiman4. Mrs. Frisky and the Rats of NIMH, Robert O'Brian

BOOOOOORING!

2012-01-26T13:34:00.000-08:00

I'm a pretty curious person by nature. There is very little in this world that I don't find interesting. But if I sit down and concentrate I think I can come up with a list of things that I find hopelessly boring. So here are some topics that make my eyes more glazed than a Krispe Kreme doughnut:1. Professional sports2. Diets (especially fad diets)3. Gambling (especially poker)4. The kardashians5. Insurance policy fine printI will add to this list if I think of something else.

AN INAUSPICIOUS START TO THE DAY

2012-01-20T20:03:00.001-08:00

I had a dream last night that I was fighting in WWII on the blood-soaked sands of Normandy. Somehow I managed to crawl ashore through the heavy shelling only to bump into my mother and my husband, who were looking for me because they wanted to let me know that they thought I had bad breath. Sheesh. What a doozy, huh? How am I supposed to get dressed and go to work now!?

PLEASE, JUST SHOOT ME

2012-01-19T22:09:00.000-08:00

I just recovered from a migraine. I don't often get migraines. And by that I mean this is the second one I have ever had to endure in my life to date. Those that have had a migraine know how wretched they can make you feel. For those who have never experienced a migraine, it was like being hung over (nausea, throbbing skull, light/sound sensitivity) except for two things:1. It was not preceded by a fun night of drinking2. It lasted almost 38 hours

DR. SEUSS

2012-01-07T19:21:00.000-08:00

I have a wasket in my basket.

OUT THERE SOMEWHERE

2011-12-31T21:19:00.001-08:00

"last year was
A good year
I beat myself to
A bloody mess, but
Out there somewhere is a finish line
Out there somewhere is a finish line"

~Fanfarlo

SUPERSTRANGE

2011-11-23T12:53:00.000-08:00

Our office was recently fitted with new telephones. The new phones have something called "Superkey."

God help me but I'm afraid to press it!

THE UNAVOIDABLE

2011-11-19T15:31:00.000-08:00

There are certain things I feel I should insulate my son from as long as possible, like guns and professional football. And then there are other things that I think he will inevitably be exposed to simply because he is a member of our family, like refined sugars and swearing. I think it is our duty as parents to make sure he uses these vices in good context.

THE POWER OF SUGGESTION

2011-11-08T13:28:00.000-08:00

I am practicing non verbal communication...and wondering if I'm getting my point across.

NO TURNING BACK NOW

2011-10-12T22:01:00.000-07:00

The Steady and I did some cleaning and reorganizing late this summer. We found some repeat CDs and books on our shelves. Last week I took them to the used bookstore/music shop to sell. There was a feeling of finality about the errand. I was almost a little reluctant to part with these things and collect my $9.50. Going to the courthouse, standing before a representative of the state and our dear friends to pledge a life-long oath was a big deal, don't get me wrong. But somehow selling my first Belle & Sebastian CD, my first Yo La Tengo CD, my freaking copy of Infinite Jest for Christsakes, well, let's just say there's no turning back now.

SOMETIMES

2011-10-10T21:58:00.000-07:00

Some parents condition their kids to get to sleep on their own, and that's great. Me, I guess I'm a bit selfish. I read my son stories and then snuggle with him until he falls asleep. Maybe it's because I'm a working mom. I feel like this is some of the precious quality time I get to share with my kid. Before I know it he will be a stinky, surly teen and he won't want anything to do with me. So I might as well get it in while I can.

Of course, some nights he's a real pain to get down. Sometimes my bed looks more like a WWF ring. Sometimes I feel like I'm putting a thirty-three pound Asian carp to bed. Sometimes...like tonight.

CREATING DEMAND

2011-10-09T20:58:00.000-07:00

If it weren't for my mother-in-law, $7.95 bars of hand soap would not exist because nobody would buy them.

2011-09-28T21:27:00.000-07:00

It's bad when you are looking forward to your morning cup of coffee and it's 11:30 at night, right!?

BIRDS EAT APPLES

2011-09-18T16:58:00.000-07:00

I am eating a honey crisp apple that I picked from my very own apple tree.

STATIC CLING

2011-09-18T07:05:00.000-07:00

I felt like that lady on the Bounce commercials today. You know, the one who didn't use Bounce.

OH BLITHE YOUTH

2011-09-14T21:46:00.000-07:00

I had my cholesterol tested a few weeks ago. I have heard nothing from them. I suppose the clinic would send an ambulance directly to my house if the results were bad, but I would still like to know what the numbers are all the same.

The last time I had it tested I was about 22 years old. My total count was 120. My doctor wrote "Good Job!" at the top as though it were a math test or something. Please, I still posted that shit up on my fridge. I was probably eating a full frozen pizza every other day for dinner back then and chicken pot pies for breakfast. Oh blithe youth!

APRIL 25

2011-08-20T06:00:00.000-07:00

Every time Carol walks onto my office I get all twitchy and shuffle my mouse around, exasperated. I pretend like it's broken and heave a huge sigh, like I'm SO busy! So busy reading online diaries.

APRIL 22

2011-08-20T05:58:00.002-07:00

I called Carol this morning and told her I can't come in today because I am sick. What I failed to mention is that I'm sick of work. Hmmmm...details.

MARCH 22

2011-08-20T05:39:00.000-07:00

I ran into Barbara earlier today in the hallway at work. I told had eaten one of her cookies and it was delicious. But that was a total lie. I actually had, like, five of them.

MARCH 1

2011-08-20T05:35:00.000-07:00

Lyrics that found me in sleep: You kissed me with the passion of a brazen paramedic with your urgency and your first aid all on fire.

MAY 6

2011-08-19T23:35:00.000-07:00

"There was this Blossom Episode..." Jason actually said that once in a bar. *sigh*

APRIL 23

2011-08-19T23:30:00.000-07:00

I resolve to never drink or smoke again. That's my Sunday morning mantra; a little joke that gets less and less funny over time.

APRIL 17

2011-08-19T23:26:00.001-07:00

We received our annual freaky card from Uncle Mike and Aunt Theresa: Jesus Christ died for your sins you immoral ungrateful wastes do flesh, blah, blah, blah, Happy Easter!

APRIL 12

2011-08-19T23:22:00.000-07:00

So, is 3CPO gay or just English?

APRIL 10

2011-08-19T23:18:00.000-07:00

This morning I swam an entire mile without stopping. When I finished, I poked my head out of the water and yelled: somebody toss me a tuna because I'm a friggin' porpoise!

APRIL 6

2011-08-19T23:15:00.000-07:00

I'm sure I wasn't the only kid on the planet who tried to eat an entire tube of Bonne Belle chapstick. Or was I?

APRIL 5

2011-08-19T23:13:00.000-07:00

While at a homeschoolers' conference (for work): Why do Christians need their own math textbooks?

APRIL 4

2011-08-19T23:10:00.000-07:00

I am now brushing my teeth with a toothbrush that, according to the package, has a "soft, full head." Gross.

MARCH 28

2011-08-19T23:02:00.000-07:00

I abhor fake enthusiasm. I think that is why I have always harvested contempt for cheerleaders. What the fuck are they so happy about? Do you think they really care about football?

MARCH 20

2011-08-19T23:00:00.000-07:00

I'm so lonely I send emails to myself.

FEBRUARY 23

2011-08-19T22:53:00.000-07:00

I had a dream that Michael Feldman from the NPR "What Do You Know" quiz show was an alien and the show was just a means for him to study the human race. I also dreamed I went to a zoo where people dressed up and pretended to be animals.

2011-08-19T22:51:00.000-07:00

Jason admits he was conceived on a pile of coats at a college party.

MARCH 13

2011-08-19T22:47:00.000-07:00

Dennis said the un-eaten food will turn into something useful. I thought he was talking about poop, but he was talking about ATP. Dad said some guy has a collection of mammal penises from 70 species. I asked him if the guy is in jail now.

MARCH 9

2011-08-19T22:43:00.000-07:00

I told Jason today that by smoking a pipe he is simultaneously extending his grandfather's legacy while shortening his own.

MARCH 9

2011-08-19T22:39:00.000-07:00

This morning I washed my glasses, like, six times before I realized I had something in my eye.

POSTS TO FOLLOW

2011-08-18T06:17:00.000-07:00

The posts to follow are bits from a 2003 paper journal.

HOW WE LOATHE DIAPERS

2011-06-26T13:16:00.000-07:00

I never thought I would be the kind of person who would get jump-up-and-down-clap-your-hands excited about another human taking a dump in a little plastic potty.

But you should see me now.

WEIRD

2011-05-28T20:36:00.000-07:00

Weird Al Yankovic looks strange, even without the mustache.

YOUNG AGAIN

2011-05-27T21:13:00.000-07:00

The Steady and I, we have this friend. Although she's about the same age as my husband she always makes me feel like a kid. Not in a fun carefree sort of way. More like in the I Can't believe You Don't Have A Real Job and Real Adult Responsibilities kind of way.

SEXY BOY

2011-05-05T09:40:00.000-07:00

If there is something sexier than watching my spectacled, bed-headed hubby fix my bike tire before I commute to work in the morning, I don't yet know what it is.

I GOT NO COMPLAINTS

2011-04-29T09:41:00.000-07:00

I have been teaching night classes a few days a week, just to make a little extra cheese. When I started doing this I was terribly stressed and grumpy, mostly because I had to devote precious weekend time (while baby slept) developing curriculum when I would have been much happier reading, or napping, or shagging my husband.

Things are much easier now. I hate to admit it but I'm getting used to the New Crazy Normal. The members of my family are adapting too, although Little Britches still protests when I leave in the morning. Since I don't have a very long commute I sometimes come home for a few hours in the afternoon. Twice this week I came home to a sleeping son, so TS and I made time for conjugal relations *wink wink* if you know what I mean.

And I'm sure you do.

NOTE TO SELF

2011-04-28T18:25:00.000-07:00

I have a post-it note next to my bed reminding me to "Google goggles." I can't even remember what I meant to Google about goggles.

LOVE

2011-04-27T16:11:00.000-07:00

New piano smell.

PLAY

2011-04-21T11:03:00.000-07:00

The piano came this morning!

I was *this close* to calling in sick today.

OUR NEW PET

2011-04-18T11:59:00.000-07:00

I bought a piano this weekend.

You have no idea how much it thrills me to write those words! This is something I have wanted for fifteen years. Originally my parents were going to give me their old piano, but the beast would never fit through the Front door. I would have been very content with a used piano, but
I just happened to buy one new: an upright Kawai. It's a classic design, durable, and a good value. Just like me.

I played it this weekend at the warehouse and when it came time to leave, I kept glancing back over my shoulder, cooing at it like a puppy at the animal shelter saying, "I'll see you soon! Goodbye my lovely!"

FIGHTS DIRTY

2011-03-28T19:00:00.000-07:00

The Steady and I got into a little row last night. I was so miffed about the whole thing that I ate all the chocolate out of his Neopolitan ice cream. Yup, I showed him.

CONFLICTED

2011-03-24T08:43:00.000-07:00

My mother-in-law (god bless her!) drives me crazy. She always agrees to tea when she comes over and then drinks no more than one sixteenth of the glass. she constantly complains about her hair falling out and she takes more trips to the bathroom than I did when I was eight months pregnant. So I'm rolling my eyes and biting my tounge all weekend when she goes out and buys Freedom, the latest Jonathan Franzen book in lovely and very expensive hard cover, as a gift for absolutely no particular reason.

Suddenly I'm an asshole .

LITTLE SMARTYPANTS

2011-03-23T12:55:00.000-07:00

My son pointed at my crotch this morning and declared: No penis!
Well, I'm glad we got that sorted out.

CAT FOOD

2011-03-22T19:00:00.000-07:00

Cats have a reputation for being clean but ours are notoriously messy eaters. I'm constantly sweeping around their dishes, but I don't want to be wasteful so I usually dump the swept stuff back in their dishes. I felt a little guilty about doing this tonight since there were bits of hair and fuzz and Christ knows what else mixed up with the spilled food. But before I started feeling too bad, I was reminded that they lick their own butts.

Now I'm okay with it.

NEW PHONE

2011-03-21T09:04:00.000-07:00

I'm composing this post from a telephone.
...And no, not the rotary kind.

48 LITTLE HOURS

2010-11-14T19:35:00.000-08:00

What a difference a weekend makes. This one was all about eight inches of snow, leisure reading, sleeping until 8:00 a.m., homemade soup and delicious toasted bread for lunch, homemade cookies for dessert, good beer with good company, snuggle-y naps with my son, afternoons at the museum, sneaky toe-curling sex with my husband. Everything about it was grand.

I have a HUGE pile of papers to grade, but I'm not even stressed about them. I'll get to them when I get to them.

THIS CAT WILL NOT BE QUIET

2010-10-22T13:11:00.000-07:00

She's all up in my shit.

So I says to her, I says,

Go do a crossword, huh?
Go solve your rubix cube.
Go text your little cat friends.

It's my way of reminding her that she hasn't any thumbs.

MY DARLING

2010-10-20T19:52:00.000-07:00

I'm driving home tonight. It's a quarter to nine. The DJ is playing some Mason Jennings song on the radio, but I'm not really listening.

And then suddenly I am.

The song is sung from the perspective of a parent who lost their child, Their Darling, in The War. And then suddenly, the tail lights in front of me are blurry. And I'm sobbing. I'm sobbing on the highway. I'm aching because I lost something too. But it wasn't even a son or a daughter. It wasn't even a person. It was just a little tadpole.

But I lost it. And for now, I am hopelessly sad.

OH, HOW I LOVES HIM

2010-10-19T20:20:00.000-07:00

WORDS FAIL ME

2010-10-16T19:43:00.000-07:00

My in-laws are visiting this weekend. Words fail me so I am going to have to step back from this computer and express myself through interpretive dance.

HE SPEAKS

2010-10-15T12:49:00.000-07:00

The Boy is starting to speak. Already he can say the words "up" and "mole" and "beer." It's really quite adorable. And he's learning very quickly. At least he tries to say a new word every day. So I said to The Steady, "Now is the perfect time to teach him French!"

"But we don't speak French," He replied. "How about Klingon?"

AFTER ENDURING AN HOUR OF PROLONGED BURPING & FARTING

2010-10-14T19:47:00.000-07:00

Dear second hour students,

I totally get the message. You guys are too cool for this class, and you are way too fucking cool for learning. I get it. I am very impressed with your awesome aloofness. Can we move on now?

THIS IS WHY WE ARE CAT PEOPLE

2010-10-13T17:59:00.000-07:00

A few months back our neighbor asked us to dog sit for a weekend. No problem. She's a good peeps, you know, she doesn't throw trash into our yard or steal our mail or anything. And the job was simple enough. All we had to do was let the two little yipper-yappers out four to five times a day and then fill their food and water dishes. Super easy. And no, please, you can keep the fifty bucks. We are happy to do this favor without an exchange of money.

The first night we let them out, one immediately set out to a corner of the yard and promptly made a huge, hot, steaming pile of dog poo. And then with great doggy speed, the other one ran over to the pile and started to feast on it!

Aaaaaaaaarg!!

The Steady and I were physically writhing from the spectacle.

This is why we are cat people.

INTENTIONS

2010-10-12T19:56:00.000-07:00

I don't want to start writing again and make some big hairy deal about it in my head. I need to stop obsessing about the quality of my words and just do it for one reason, and one reason only: I have no other way of recording the events of my life.

BREAKING EVEN

2010-10-11T19:15:00.000-07:00

What with the troubled economy and the millions of endowment dollars my school/place of employment invested in the stock market and lost, money has been tight. We've had a wage freeze for about two years.

I just found out last week that the freeze is now thawed. I got a standard raise, plus another little bump commensurate with a promotion I received last year. Imagine my giddiness. I should be tickled fucking pink, right?

Well, I went home and looked at my old pay stubs and calculated my raise against the 11% rise in health insurance with two added dependents. I'm just barely making what I was before.

COURSE EVALUATION

2010-10-10T19:09:00.000-07:00

My favorite end-of-the-course evaluation comment:

"This course felt like I was back in middle school. I figured this course would be more in depth with everything but I was wrong. A 5 year old could take this course and pass. I felt like I wasn't challenged enough. this class bored me."

The comment on its own isn't spectacular. What makes it funny is, the student that wrote it just barely passed the class with a D. The implication is that the student admits that he or she is ever so slightly smarter than a five year old.

I love my job.

ABOUT FLABBY DEMONS

2010-10-09T19:04:00.000-07:00

As a mother of a toddler, I find it awfully difficult to find time to exercise my demons.

And they be feeling mighty cooped up, those demons.

BOOK CLUB FOR BOYS

2010-10-08T18:54:00.000-07:00

My husband attended an all-male book club last night.

Why do I find that so adorable?

GRUMPY PUMPKIN: BUT NOT IN A FESTIVE OCTOBER-Y SORT OF WAY

2010-10-07T18:39:00.000-07:00

I got about four hours of sleep last night on account of one fevered and inconsolable sixteen month old. Now I have to teach four classes in a row. I will not be a rainbow, today. I will not be a sunbeam. Once the caffeine leaves my body, I will turn back into a pumpkin.

A really, really grumpy pumpkin.

STUDENT WORK

2010-05-12T09:15:00.000-07:00

Here, edit this sentence I found in some student work:

"The food that is crossed with genetics those causing a fear those food allergies from foods that people were usually not allergic too."

Seriously, help me out because I have no fucking clue where to start.

DEAR SON:

2010-05-06T18:10:00.001-07:00

When you were just a baby, I mean a teeny tiny thing barely three weeks old, your father and I used to call you "Poop Master" and sing songs about you to the tune of Matchmaker Matchmaker Make Me A Match from Fiddler on the Roof.

BABY "TALK"

2010-03-07T18:47:00.000-08:00

I love it when I'm nursing my son to sleep and he's curled up like a snail in my arms, his chunky baby legs slung over my hip, his sweet baby breath on my cheek...

And then suddenly, his butt burbles like a Wyoming hot springs.

I love that.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

2009-12-31T15:10:00.000-08:00

I ran six miles in six degrees today. I love being alone with my thoughts in bracing temperatures. It makes me feel alive. It reminds me that I'm more than a laundry folder and a bottle sterilizer.

POSSESSED

2009-12-15T04:15:00.000-08:00

My baby boy wants to stand on his own, but his hips are possessed by Elvis.

BAD PARENTING MOMENT

2009-12-14T04:16:00.000-08:00

Bad Parenting Moments, any experienced parent will tell you that a childhood is rife with them. I was waiting for our first B.P.M. when suddenly, it arrived. Moo rolled off the couch.

Our couch isn't terribly tall and he landed rather "neatly" on the floor. He hardly fussed, but boy howdy, I felt guilty. The funny thing is, The Steady and I were both in the room when it happened. It's not like we were drunk in the back yard shooting coons. Nope, I was about three feet from him on the computer, obsessing over Facebook. The Steady was about four feet away complaining about the weird looking pantyhose figure skaters always wear.

And then, thump. Evil Knievel looked like a WWF wrestler post body-slam. Had it been intentional, I would have praised him for his good form.

AND GOOD WILL TO MEN

2009-11-27T20:58:00.000-08:00

While thumbing through the local newspapers, I stumbled upon a coupon for one of the downtown strip clubs. They are waving the cover charge to all who donate non-perishable food items. Doesn't that warm your heart?

Or something?

To think you can have a desperate, misguided woman grind her muff in your face and stamp out hunger all in one stop.

FACEBOOK UPDATE

2009-11-26T09:23:00.000-08:00

Winter Wren is falling into a tryptophan coma.

THIS JUST IN

2009-11-25T07:00:00.000-08:00

Lead singer of band, Weezer, is a hottie-boom-ba-lottie.

SONG IN MY HEAD

2009-11-24T10:19:00.000-08:00

As I already mentioned, my brain is almost always gnawing on some bars of music. Lately, these songs have been about London bridge, or parts of the face, or even the number seven.

MY CLEAR CONSCIENCE

2009-11-23T04:40:00.000-08:00

I bought a bag of "reduced guilt" pita chips at Trader Joe's last week. I have seen "reduced fat" potato chips and I have seen "guiltless" corn chips, but never "reduced guilt." It's as though I'm meant to feel guilty about consuming them, but maybe a little less guilty than usual.

Since when is guilt an ingredient in food anyway?

GOOD STUFF

2009-11-20T19:07:00.000-08:00

Ticked by quirky French movie, Rumba.

I AM A DIPLOMAT

2009-11-19T10:22:00.000-08:00

When I talk to my husband. Why? Because I always need to choose my words very carefully and sometimes, I require a translator. But it's not all that bad.

Sure we get into scrapes here and there, but overall I'm very pleased at how smooth things run between us. Cohabitation is difficult enough, so I would expect co-parenting to be proportionately harder. But we have managed (so far) to do it without a lot of shouting. And I'm really happy about that. My parent's marriage is a minefield of pain, disappointment, and revenge, (and contempt and manipulation and mental illness). When I was little, they used to fight at night. I'd hear them screaming at each other downstairs and sometimes, things were broken. The sound of them fighting literally made me shake in my bed. My chin would quiver like a seismograph pen.

I will not be like them.
I will not be like them.
I will not be like them.

NOT A SHINING MOMENT

2009-11-18T09:00:00.000-08:00

Recently, I was in the grocery store parking lot with my bag of vitals. I couldn't help but notice an adjacent car parked insanely close to my car. I almost had to collapse a lung and dislocate both shoulders in order to squeeze into the driver side door of my Yaris. I am not exaggerating. Once I was inside my car, I scrambled to find a pen and piece of paper on which I scrawled something like: You are an asshole for parking so close to my car! I hope you have a rotten day!

I had just dotted my exclamation point when I spotted the driver of the offending vehicle. She was a teeny, tiny, old lady! And I almost left this horrible note on her car!

FEED A COLD

2009-11-17T08:59:00.000-08:00

I feed my rhinovirus cookies and short works of fiction.

PEDANTIC MANIA

2009-11-16T10:03:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been exercising my pedantic mania here.

I DON'T WANT TO BE A MOMMY BLOGGER

2009-11-13T06:00:00.000-08:00

But the sad fact is, all of my students are boringly awesome this quarter. So I have nothing to complain about. And since I am now responsible for the well being of another human, I can't really pull my head through a bong and wax philosophical into the wee hours of the morning.

I need to reserve those wee hours for other activities, like sleep.

So, please bear with me. I hope things will change in the near future.

THE ALCHEMY OF A BREASTFEEDING MOTHER

2009-11-12T06:00:00.000-08:00

I need to turn this cookie...into milk.

MAKE A WISH

2009-11-11T18:52:00.000-08:00

It's eleven-eleven. Make a wish.

Think hard on it. You have all day!

PET PEEVE #5

2009-11-10T08:58:00.000-08:00

I hate it when privileged white kids travel to poor and impoverished communities armed only with stories about Jesus Christ and then post pictures of said trip on Facebook.

Also, I hate cheap plastic spoons.

CHA CHA CHA CHA CHA CHANGE

2009-11-09T18:46:00.000-08:00

Being a parent changes you.

For example, I can bolt my dinner faster than you can utter the words, "Uh-oh, he's awake."

A HARD SELL

2009-11-06T19:22:00.000-08:00

The Nuva Ring obviously didn't work very well. So after moo moo was born The Steady and I had to think about employing some other, more effective anti-baby device. Before we could be fitted with something more long term, we had to use condoms for about two months. Total. Bummer.

I remember standing in the contraception asile at the neighborhood drug store staring at the many varieties of condoms. I was completely overwhelmed. It was like shopping for toothpaste. Pretty soon I would be pulling at my hair screaming, "where is plain mint!?" I was bombarded with labels like, Lifestyle Warming Pleasure, Trojan Her Pleasure Ecstasy, Durex Pleasuremax, and Trojan Magnum Twister. These companies were trying their damnedest to make it sound like sex with a condom is more exciting than sex without one. I mean, really, Lifestyles Triple Pleasure? Do the box of condoms include another man??

EMBARRASSING, BUT TRUE

2009-11-05T18:50:00.000-08:00

Do you want to know something funny?

I thought this whole parenting thing would be a piece of cake.

Embarrassing to admit, but true.

It's not like I wasn't warned. I heard every hackneyed admonition. I was told to enjoy my sleep and freedom because things would change once the baby arrived. But then, the people offering these cliched morsels would throw their heads back and laugh. How was I to know their laughter was filled with irony?

Maybe I took too literally the pictures on the cover of Parents magazine at the OB-GYN office those nine months. I mean, there's nothing in those pictures to suggest that "new mom" hasn't slept or showered in three days.

LE PETIT MOO

2009-11-04T03:00:00.000-08:00

BIG SIGH

2009-11-03T11:26:00.000-08:00

Moo moo turns five months old today.

ONE MONTH

2009-07-03T10:55:00.000-07:00

The little moo is one month old today. Whew!

Has anyone seen my thirty days? I seem to have misplaced thirty days. Perhaps they rolled under the couch? Or maybe someone broke into my car and stole them. How strangely time passes when you are caring for an infant! Nights seem to drag on forever while entire weeks whiz by.

NOTHING SPECIAL

2009-07-02T19:27:00.000-07:00

I used to be a pregnant lady. People would stare at my belly and smile. Sometimes they would open the door for me. It took a little getting used to all the attention...but I got used to it.

Now I'm just another American with a paunchy gut.

WAS THAT A SMILE!?

2009-07-01T09:06:00.000-07:00

...Or was that just gas?

A THOUSAND WORDS

2009-06-26T03:59:00.000-07:00

A THOUSAND WORDS

2009-06-25T03:29:00.000-07:00

SO NOW YOU KNOW

2009-06-24T13:13:00.000-07:00

I was not a breastfed baby. It simply wasn't in vogue at the time. But I've always wondered what human breast milk tastes like. And now I know: Foremilk tastes like Rice Dream, while hindmilk tastes like Carnation Evaporated Milk.

And now you know too.

BREASTFEEDING = CONSTIPATION

2009-06-23T12:12:00.000-07:00

ARG! Deliver me from this hell!

ABOUT SLEEP DEPRIVATION

2009-06-22T12:03:00.000-07:00

I feel like a marine.

Without all the camouflage.

I'M STILL HERE

2009-06-21T12:03:00.000-07:00

Only just barely.

POSTPARTUM RUN

2009-06-20T10:08:00.000-07:00

I went on my first postpartum run this evening. All of the doctors and books say you should hold off until after week six, but I just couldn't stand being cooped up in the house any longer! So it was a slow run. And on the way two guys passed me. I am pretty competitive during exercise and I don't like it when people pass me. I was tempted to yell after them, "Oh yeah? Well I had a baby two and a half weeks ago! So there!"

But I ended up not saying such things.

Because only crazy people yell like that.

SLEEPS LIKE A BABY

2009-06-19T06:17:00.000-07:00

Who invented this rotten simile? Do you know how babies sleep?? I do. But the night waking and feeding I had expected. The thing I did not anticipate is the amount of noise an infant makes while sleeping. They grunt and snort and gargle like little trolls. My child sounds exactly like Looney Tunes' tasmanian devil. Apparently this is normal. It's very unsettling, but normal.