I DON'T KNOW IF I MENTIONED

I started a grad program four years ago.  I also had a second baby four years ago.  In fact, I took the GRE while five months pregnant and that tadpole was turning summersaults in my belly during the test.  Only during the math section, though.  I couldn't believe my eyes when I opened my acceptance letter, because deep down I believe I am too stupid to be a scientist. 

I completed my graduate coursework while working (teaching) full time.  I was forever reading/wiping sweat from the pages of my textbooks at the gym or writing research papers while simultaneously nursing my daughter at one in the AM.  life has been pretty stressful these past few years. 

I think it was sort of assumed that I would write a lit review for my final project, but when I signed up for the program I had hoped I would be able to conduct a science project, from beginning to end.  So two years ago I started contacting people in my field of interest.  For a while I felt like a waitress slash actress in Hollywood desperately trying to get noticed.  I kept mailing expensive head shots to established scientists begging them to give me a break.  It's harder than you might think, getting your foot in the door.

But someone finally responded, and to her, I am forever grateful.  She agreed to be my research advisor even though she's not at my school, or even my state.  She agreed to train me in her lab.

I thought I had to secure travel funding to get myself to her lab and pay for lodging but then I won a $350 voucher for a round-trip flight from the YWCA (What?? Completely random!) and she said I could stay at her place (What?? Completely trusting!*)  And then I won a $5,000 scholarship from my school.  And then I learned that a certain media organization wanted to help fund a portion of the research.  Suddenly everything was snapping into place.

I spent all of last year working on this project.  I kept track of the hours, but I don't even want to add them up, because I really don't care to know how many hours I logged in that lab.  It was a lot.  A lot of rolling out of bed on Saturday at 5 AM and spending seven hours carrying out my procedure, listening to the radio, and talking to myself. 

Now it's done.  The media organization reported our findings and we found our story on the cover of newspapers in Europe, Indonesia, India, China, as well as South and North America.  We finished editing our manuscript last week and we are going to submit it this week for peer-review, and hopefully, eventually, publication.  I was invited to speak to interested toxicologists in my state's health department and I will be presenting at a national conference next month.  In the spring I will be attending a conference in California and I have an opportunity to meet many of the people I cited in my paper.  I can't believe this is my life. 

I graduated a few months ago, and when I did, I was given an award for academic excellence.  I plan to use it to pay for my flight out to CA.  I was surprised when I opened the graduation brochure, to see my own face, smiling back at me in a story that featured my project.  During the ceremony I spent a little time shoving the brochure in the face of my demons saying, "See, you were wrong. I am not a total idiot."  Some of them were silent.  Some of them reminded me that I was dumb lucky.  Some of the nastier ones insist I tricked people into thinking I am capable of success. 

Some things, I guess, never change.

* I could have been a total weirdo!  I  mean, I am a total weirdo.  But only one that would apologize profusely for entering your house stinky after a run and leave beer in your fridge.