“C” IS FOR CORPORATE. THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

Things were pretty slow at the bakery today. I cannot believe I just wrote that sentence and meant it! Oh, I’m living a dream! Pinch me! Pinch me!

Okay, stop pinching.

So yeah. I have always wanted to work in a bakery. There's just something so irresistibly folksy about baking bread at the butt crack of dawn. At first I wanted to work in a local shop, but mom and pop weren't hiring. So I got this here franchise gig instead. They have things like corporate mottos and patented logos and T-shirts and lawyers and action figures and breakfast cereals. Actually, that’s a gross exaggeration. They don’t have lawyers. Silly. But everyone I work with has long hair and smells like B.O., so it’s cool.

Okay hold on. A rogue gang of house sparrows just kicked some serious birdie ass outside my window a second ago! What a fucking racket!

Crazy birds.

Ahem. When I was hired two weeks back I was given a Confidentiality Agreement, an Employee Checklist, and a Training Outline. It’s all about as stuffy as it sounds, except for the Training Outline, which is full on hilarious. It tries very hard to inspire a vision in the new employee by imparting deep philosophies about the making and selling of fresh bread. This shit is not trivial, people! Or so they would have you believe. And now I would like to share with you, dear reader, some crumbs of this enlightening text:

You are Their Impression of Corporate Bread.

You are it. You are the final step in the long process of making good bread and if you screw it up, everyone else’s work is for nothing. You’re the PR person and you MUST take is (sic) seriously. It’s kind of like the baker is responsible for the final product and a screw up on his part wrecks the work of everyone prior to the baking.

[Notice how they build you up and then break you down.]

The counter person is just as important, because you are the one that makes Corporate Bread a fun place for people to come. It’s a lot more than just good bread. It’s the whole feeling of the place: the happy people, the breadboard, the music, the atmosphere.

[Are you feeling this?]

People are going out of their way to come to Corporate Bread and you are the one who needs to make it worth their while. Make it fun and exciting to come to the bakery. Make it a special place – one that’s fun for them and a place that’s fun to work in.

[I’m basically getting paid to have “fun.” Now you had better get your ass out there and have some fun! Grrrr!]

Bread is the Focus

You need to do everything you can to get bread into their mouth, slightly short of pinning them to the floor and force-feeding them. Don’t take “no” for an answer. People are often hesitant to take a slice of bread. First you need to tell them what kinds of bread are available. And then you may need to work at convincing them that it really is just a free slice of bread, no strings attached. Here’s an example of how it works:

Me: Hi, can I slice you a piece of bread? This invokes a yes or no response.
(We don’t want that.)

Me: Hi, what can I slice for you today? We have hot honey whole wheat, harvest white or this yummy cheddar garlic.

Them: No thank you.

Me: Are you sure? You won’t believe how good the cheddar is – look how the cheese is melting and gooey and it is SOOOO good. Why don’t you let me cut you a slice?

Them: Well, I just ate and I’m not hungry.

Me: That’s OK. I can just put it in one of these bags and you can eat it later when you want a snack. (to be said while you’re already slicing and bagging the piece of bread)

HOWEVER, we don’t ever want to appear to be pushy…because we do not hard-sell out product. The taste sells the bread for us.

Yeah...but don't be pushy! For a really good time, read the hypothetical dialogue above substituting any reference to bread with the words “crack cocaine.”