PUT SOME PEPPER ON IT

That's what I said to The Steady today.

He gave me that pained confused look boys give when their girlfriends want to "have a talk." And when I recall the inchoate thoughts spewing from my mouth, I can't blame him. All of my ideas were organized and perfectly articulated when they were still baking in my brain. I mean, I could have toured the country with my short lecture series titled, This Is How I Feel and This Is What I Need From You. But when I was actually seated across from the boy it was all, "drurrr buah...naaaaaw."

Gah! I hate that.

But in the end, the important stuff was said. And even better, I think it was understood. I told him that I have a terrible track record with stoic males, the ones with hearts of clay. I told him that I tend to invest a lot of energy in relationships; thoughtfulness and care. A sweetheart, that's what my friend Prada calls it. And so I expect the same in return. I don't need love and intensity from him because I suffer from low self esteem. I want it because I give it. Because I deserve it.