I NEED TO OVERWRITE MY PROGRAMMING

I just finished reading "What My Bones Know" by Stephanie Foo. 

Nearly all the memoirs I have ever read are ones that people actively put in my hands.  If people didn't insist I read them, I never would.  While I prefer non-fiction, I don't really actively seek out memoirs.  Too many of them come across as terribly self-absorbed and not relatable.  My friend gave me "Crying in H Mart" and raved about the catharsis she felt, but I did not get that at all.  On the contrary, I had a hard time connecting with with the author and actually found her annoying.  Sorry!  Also, my mother-in-law gifted me "Lots of Candles and Plenty of Cake" and after I read it I thought, this will be useful someday when I morph into an old, white, wealthy matron.  Actually, the only memoir I read and liked was "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me" by Sherman Alexie.

Anyway, in her book Foo talks about the abjectly horrible physical and emotional abuse she endured as a child and her pathway to...well, whatever.  What are any of us working towards?  Feeling less broken and hopeless??  While I never recieved hour-long beatings from my parents, while they never threw me down the stairs or dragged me around by my hair or tried to strike me in the head with golf club, they definitely hit me, slapped me, threatened me with physical violence, and most memorable, said things that made me feel worthless.  I was such a disappointment to them.  Similar to Stephanie's experience, some of their expectations felt tied to Asian culture (the author actually explores this and brings it back to, THANK YOU, colonialism.)  Also similar to Stephanie, it was my mom who was more cruel and unpredictable, while my dad, although capable of cruelness, never protected me from her enmeshing herself with me in her co-dependent ways.  As young as six, I parented my mother, I comforted her and tried to make her feel the love she never received as a kid.  Love from them always felt conditional. 

Now I'm a grown woman, and to this day I have a recurring dream that I am loved unconditionally.  I would wake up feeling like I won the lottery.  Really, I can't describe it other than to say it's the best feeling ever.  It has to be up there with heroin.  I know it sounds cheesy, but I have come to realize I need to swoop in and love myself unconditionally.  Nobody else is going to do it for me.  If I do not learn how to do that, nothing is going to change.