NOT FOR THOSE OF WEAK CONSTITUTION

I just found out today that I owe MBNA $50 in late fees for a balance of $15.68. I called and sweetly reminded them that I have been a 'valued customer' since 1997 and so could they throw me a crumb of clemency? The lady on the phone had this creepy tone in her voice, you know, like she was lacking something. A soul? So I asked to speak to the manager. 227 bars of horrid elevator muzak later (punishment enough?), Chip or Ken or what's-his-name finally got on the phone. I could hear through the receiver how his suit and tie were cinched up around his throat like a silken noose. Promptly, I played my biggest card. I threatened to break up. It was, after all, an abusive relationship. He laughed as he explained in pretentious, abstruse corporate-speak that because I pay my bills in full and have no debt, this is their only opportunity to make money off of me.

Those of weak constitution, please turn you heads from your computer screen while I cast these spells --er I mean, aspersions.

Ahem.

MBNA, you suck syphilis cock. You will never scheme another penny from me again, ever.