CONFESSIONS

My friend (he's a warbler) turned 30 last Tuesday. But I am such a heel. I did not bring a gift to his party last weekend! So this morning I got up early and biked from gifty shop to gifty shop in search of the perfect gift. I bought a pack of pencil toppers in the shape of variety meats, a note pad that has a heading "Hey, Shithead..." and a book titled Confessions: Shameful Secrets of Everyday People. It is hilarious! Here are some of my favorites:

"Some years ago, I went to a party at the county governor's residence. One of the rooms there serves as a home away from home for some senator. My friend and I rubbed our dicks on his pillow."

- Martin, Military

"Oh no! I did it again. I can't not do it. I was at a friend's flat today and when she had to go to the loo, I jumped at the opportunity to read her diary. I've read a lot from it and know just about everything about her and her boyfriend. I know that she's cheated on him and more dirt like that. It feels fucking great to read other people's diaries. Do it!"

-Jenny, Student

"I have a disgusting habit. When I'm in bed and I fart, I pull the covers over my head and smell my own gas."

-Aaron, Security Guard

"When I'm in someone's home, regardless if it's a friend, family or strangers, I take scissors and cut off some of my pubic hair and hide it in a weird place in the house. I don't know why I do it, but I can't stop."

- Frida, Artist

"I went down to a local construction site one night and moved around some of their markers...a few yards here and there. The next day they dug up a telephone line and a heating power line."

-Marty, Student

"Last week I got my hands on someone's credit card number online and used it to buy bootleg alcohol to send to the Jehovah's witness across the street from me."

-Thieven' for Jesus

"I've had sex with the calves at my farm."

-Anonymous Animal Lover

And the best part is that I can add my own confession at the end. I can confess that the book is used, since I read the whole thing before giving it to him. He'll like that.