IDENTITY CRISIS

So I enter my apartment building today (la-la-la, bliss, bliss). I open up my mailbox and remove two letters contained within (hmm-hmm-hmm, la-la-la-laa). As I climb the stairs to my shoebox apartment, I open the letter from Nyantu Bolo who congratulates me in ALL! CAPS! for being selected to receive a special 18 month membership to the cities’ premier fitness center (la-la-la-la, gar-bage). Then I key the lock to my room as I scan the second letter: my monthly bank statement.

*Sound of phonograph needle tearing across vinyl*

Someone made charges on my debit card. Someone spent $450 at Old Navy and $539 at Abercrombie & Fitch. In Skokie Illinois! And let me tell you. That asshole was not me.

I can’t believe somebody stole my money!

And bought really shitty clothing with it!

...

I am absolutely flabbergasted.