APRIL 25

Every time Carol walks onto my office I get all twitchy and shuffle my mouse around, exasperated. I pretend like it's broken and heave a huge sigh, like I'm SO busy! So busy reading online diaries.

APRIL 22

I called Carol this morning and told her I can't come in today because I am sick. What I failed to mention is that I'm sick of work. Hmmmm...details.

MARCH 22

I ran into Barbara earlier today in the hallway at work. I told had eaten one of her cookies and it was delicious. But that was a total lie. I actually had, like, five of them.

MARCH 1

Lyrics that found me in sleep: You kissed me with the passion of a brazen paramedic with your urgency and your first aid all on fire.

MAY 6

"There was this Blossom Episode..." Jason actually said that once in a bar. *sigh*

APRIL 23

I resolve to never drink or smoke again. That's my Sunday morning mantra; a little joke that gets less and less funny over time.

APRIL 17

We received our annual freaky card from Uncle Mike and Aunt Theresa: Jesus Christ died for your sins you immoral ungrateful wastes do flesh, blah, blah, blah, Happy Easter!

APRIL 12

So, is 3CPO gay or just English?

APRIL 10

This morning I swam an entire mile without stopping. When I finished, I poked my head out of the water and yelled: somebody toss me a tuna because I'm a friggin' porpoise!

APRIL 6

I'm sure I wasn't the only kid on the planet who tried to eat an entire tube of Bonne Belle chapstick. Or was I?

APRIL 5

While at a homeschoolers' conference (for work): Why do Christians need their own math textbooks?

APRIL 4

I am now brushing my teeth with a toothbrush that, according to the package, has a "soft, full head." Gross.

MARCH 28

I abhor fake enthusiasm. I think that is why I have always harvested contempt for cheerleaders. What the fuck are they so happy about? Do you think they really care about football?

MARCH 20

I'm so lonely I send emails to myself.

FEBRUARY 23

I had a dream that Michael Feldman from the NPR "What Do You Know" quiz show was an alien and the show was just a means for him to study the human race. I also dreamed I went to a zoo where people dressed up and pretended to be animals.

Jason admits he was conceived on a pile of coats at a college party.

MARCH 13

Dennis said the un-eaten food will turn into something useful. I thought he was talking about poop, but he was talking about ATP. Dad said some guy has a collection of mammal penises from 70 species. I asked him if the guy is in jail now.

MARCH 9

I told Jason today that by smoking a pipe he is simultaneously extending his grandfather's legacy while shortening his own.

MARCH 9

This morning I washed my glasses, like, six times before I realized I had something in my eye.

POSTS TO FOLLOW

The posts to follow are bits from a 2003 paper journal.