OR ELSE WE ALL SINK

My therapist once told me that I am standing on a piece of Styrofoam that's floating in open water and my family members are all standing on that same piece of debris. This is an accurate metaphor because when one person shifts, the rest of us have to compensate or else we all sink.

My mother and I have always been very close. Perhaps too close. She was born into a Chinese family and felt unwanted by her parents because she was a girl. Because of her past, she doted something extra on me. This certainly had its benefits growing up, but now I am starting to see the heavy costs as an adult. She's rather co-dependent. I can't seem to live my life without her constantly fretting about my wellbeing. I recognize her good intentions, but her well meaning advice sometimes reeks of judgment. Very often reeks of judgment, actually. Every time I tell her something new about my life, I can actually hear her wringing her hands over the phone.

We (she and I) have been working on changing the old/bad way of relating to each other but it's proving to be more difficult than we had anticipated. Some of this is due to her mental illness. On her planet, emotions can nullify even the tiniest shreds of rational thought. She tends to see things in black and white. For an artist, she has a very narrow understanding of the color gray. Let me give you an example. I might say something like, "I think we could have a healthier way of relating to one another and I think we ought to work towards that." This is what she hears: "Everything is fucked, I don't love you, and I want nothing to do with you again, ever!" It's no mystery that last night's simple conversation sent her into paroxysms of tears and sobbing. I'm so very, very tired of this. Exhausted.