THE KOOCHIE RACKET

I don’t mean to hate on Planned Parenthood. They do a lot of good for the low income and/or the uninsured (like petit moi), but they can also be extremely unorganized and unprofessional.

Please, allow me this moment.

I had an appointment yesterday afternoon. I made it over a month ago. I just needed a regular exam and I also had a couple questions about alternative birth control methods. I didn’t need my ass exfoliated or my toenails clipped. No frills. Just the good ole in-out, if you know what I mean.

And I’m sure you do.

I sit down with the nurse and almost immediately she starts up-selling me on the IUD. It's a little piece of plastic wrapped in copper wire and it costs over $500, but apparently they have some extras just lying around in a drawer. So this woman in a lab coat leans in like a skeezy used car salesman and goes on and on about how great it is and how she can give me the ‘hook up.’ I’m talking about a real deal. She made it sound like I would be a total fool to pass this one up. But I want to do more research. And I tell her so.

Then another doctor comes in and sticks her finger in my ass.

Wait. No. I’m thinking of something else…

So then another doctor comes in and does the exam. It lasts all of 90 seconds, which is still more fondling than the average boyfriend, so I was pretty happy about that. Finally, a third doctor comes in and gives me a NuvaRing. It's a little piece of plastic I had consented to try. I go back to the lobby to pay the bill. Chicky-boo behind the counter goes clickity-click-click on her computer and then kindly informs me that I owe $580 for the visit. I laugh. When I ask to see the itemized receipt, I find they charged me for two NuvaRings I never got and two STD tests I never asked for. This was a $260 mistake. After many questions, I find out the STD tests are required if you are going to get the IUD. Thing is, I never said I was planning on getting IUD, so that was a $180 assumption on the doctor’s part.

The really irksome thing was how bubble-gum girl kept trying to strong-arm me into just paying. "Sooo like, just stop asking so many questions and just give us the fucking money already!" She wanted me to go away so she could get back to her People Magazine, obviously.