HOW I WILL MISS THESE GUYS

My student wrote a research paper weighing the pros and cons of hybrid cars. He said, "The Prius was introduced in 2001 worldwide to 40,000 different countries."

Wow. Who knew Toyota's marketing tactics were so aggressive? They decided to hit all forty thousand countries!

GET YOUR ADS OFF THE BRIDGE

The Steady and I saw the latest Star Trek movie at the cinema today and I was appalled when we were forced to endure four, maybe five commercials before the previews began. What's happening here? Why should we pay $12 to watch fifteen minutes of commercials? Isn't that the whole reason we pay money? So we can be entertained without having to suffer blatant ads? If I wanted to watch commercials, I would do it in the comfort of my home. For free.

DR. SEUSS

A few nights ago The Steady read Hop on Pop to my belly. I shook with laughter when he got to the "ALL TALL We all are tall ALL SMALL We all are small" part.

HOW WOULD YOU KNOW

Although I am completely humbled by the generosity and excitement of friends and family over this baby, I am a little fatigued from it all. I am especially tired of people rubbing my melon belly like it's some kind of crystal ball while telling me, a) it's definitely a girl/boy or b) it's going to be a nine pound baby.

Please, do not practice your augury on womb.

THEM!

The weather is warmer so the ants are back. We get tiny red micro-ants around the cat food dish. We also get black shiny strongmen competition ants. They like to toss kegs over the living room furniture. So annoying!

The Steady said we should invest in glue traps or poison.

I suggested we get a pangolin.

THIS BIRD IS:

1 centimeter dilated and 50% effaced.

FIDO, YOUR LEASH IS TOO LONG

While out walking yesterday I passed two young men and a meticulously groomed ankle biter. When they passed me on the sidewalk, I could see their dog starting to approach my feet. This made me instinctively step around the pooch like it was made of quicksand.

I can't say why but I don't like it when strange dogs come up to my feet. To be more accurate: I don't like it when dog owners allow their dogs to approach other people's feet. Some people assume passer-bys want to be approached by their silly dogs.

Don't get me wrong. I like dogs. If I wanted to pet your dog, I would come up to you and ask you if I could pet your dog. Otherwise, don't assume I'm going to trip over myself cooing over your canine.

HIGH MAINTENANCE

You know the guy in my night class? The one that looks like The Tick? He's a nice person and all, but he's also a fucking handful. He is the only night student who has ever called the office during the day to work math problems over the phone. You know what? It's hard to do trigonometry on the telephone.

But the thing that gets me is, once we go over the problem together, I always find out the root of his confusion lies not in the math problems, but in the fact he had his textbook upside down or his calculator needed new batteries or something stupid like that.

THINGS TO DO

1) Smoosh ants and hope for rain.

PICK IT UP

I hate dropping things on the floor because I hate picking things up. I need to purchase one of those mechanical pincers, you know the kind sold in science museum gift shops? When I have to pick things up off the ground, I must assume a very wide stance. I feel like a giraffe trying to scoop up wads of grass.

THE TRUTH?

Getting your rocks off when you're eight months pregnant isn't easy...

But it's so gratifying.

COLLECTIVE NOUNS

A sedge of bitterns.
A wing of plovers.
A tiding of magpies.
A host of sparrows.
A charm of finches.

A murder of crows?
An unkindness of ravens?

...how is this fair?