WHOLE ASS

I was walking behind this Gen Z chick today.  She was wearing a backpack and this white, very short skirt made out of light material.  Now, as a woman, I know empirically that if you walk with a backpack and a skirt, that shit is going to ride up.  The bottom of the backpack kind of pulls at the fabric with each step.  It's super annoying, but just a fact of life.  The patriarchy, amirite?

Anyway, this is exactly what was happening to the young woman in front of me and because of it, she was showing full ass, right there in the intersection.  There might have been some kind of thong up in there, I don't know.  I just kind of instinctively panicked for her and did the whole "psst, sis..." thing.

Now, I don't live under a rock.  I know that the kids these days like wearing shorts that are so, so short they show the ass crease.  And like, hey, if that's your thing kitten, you do you.  But this was much more than that.  It wasn't a teaser.  It was 80% cheek.  

And yet, when I told her she kind of gave me a "yeah, and?" look and all of the sudden I felt like a old Victorian lady clucking my tongue.   Which is weird because again, I think people should generally STFU and not police women's or anyone's clothing.  And if she wants to show full ass or walk around naked, I would not judge.  But in that moment, I genuinely thought I was doing her a favor.

YOU'RE HOT

Last weekend I went to a live Asian comedy show.  Many of the audience members were Hmong and 15-20% of the jokes were in Hmong.  And even though I didn't understand them, I still loved it.  All of the jokes landed really well. The crowd was eating it up, so I was happy to be there.  

Any-hoo, this one comedian was a Cambodian woman from LA.  She started off talking about how she looks like she can park a rig, and even though she's in her mid-forties, she can still catch 29 year old dick. She was also talking about giving massages professionally and tallying up all the 'happy endings' she had to endure.  Then she razzed the rest of us for giving them away for free.  Anyway, I loved her comedy.

After the show, my friend and I went down to the lobby to see the performers.  The Cambodian woman was there and since she was our favorite, we both wanted to get a picture with her.  We did and after we exchanged a few words, she looked me up and down and exclaimed "you're hot."

It made my week.  I just love women supporting one another.  <3

LOLA YOUNG: MESSY

I love this song because the chorus is the conversation I have with myself, in my head, all the time...

'Cause I'm too messy, and then I'm too fucking clean.

You told me, "Get a job," and then ask where the hell I've been.

And I'm too perfect until I open my big mouth.

I want to be me.  Is that not allowed?

And I'm too clever and then I'm too fucking dumb.

You hate it when I cry unless it's that time of the month.

And I'm too perfect, 'till I show you that I'm not

A thousand people I could be for you and you hate the fucking lot.

CORPORATE FEMINISM IS DIABOLICAL

We're stepping over homeless people on our way to work and into supermarkets and meanwhile Katie Perry is going into space.  Thanks to Saeed Jones for sharing this on the Vibe Check Podcast. 

  

THIS STUPID STORY

Last Friday I was biking home from work.  At an intersection stood a youngish woman with a cardboard sign that read "anything helps."  All I had was a half eaten container of yogurt and container of chocolate covered almonds, so I offered her those. She accepted, and then she was like, "do you have any water?" I didn't, so I decided to bike to a nearby grocery store and buy a bottle of water. 

Now, if you know me, you know I hate bottled water. But there I was, spending $3.75 on this bottle of water. I biked back to her. Going up the hill I hit a bump. The water bottle popped out of the water bottle cage on my bike. I pulled over to go pick it up, but then a big SUV drove over it and popped it. And now all anyone has from that whole experience is this stupid story.  

THIS IS WHAT INSANITY FEELS LIKE

Yesterday I raged, and I mean raged at Pam Bondi on the radio. She was going on about how Maine not complying with the federal government about trans athletes is a violation of Title IX and they care about sex discrimination.  Meanwhile this administration's healthcare policies are literally killing women. 

...And then about 10 minutes later I saw a wild turkey on top of a parked car and I could not stop laughing. I was like, "Oh, so the revolution starting now?!?"

DH

He said, "you haven't let us down yet."  

I said, "every day is a new opportunity."

LOOKING FOR LOVE IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES. PART II

Last week I told my dad and brother about the thing I was nominated for through a text chat, because a joy shared is doubled...right? 

My brother acknowledged what I had said and then he and my dad immediately got into a conversation with each other around the logistics of travel in May and time off from work. No congratulations given. Just self-centered and self-absorbed chatter focused on who messed up the travel dates, the fact that 'a question indicates uncertainty,' and the denial of facts, and screenshots to prove it. My heart sank. I don't ask a lot of my family. I hardly ever share good news for this very reason.

Last week I also told some people in my division about this very same thing I was nominated for. They were happy for me. I even told the division head (DH), and then mumbled something about not knowing what to say in my speech. He said, 'just be you.' I took that to mean, 'we know you, we like you, we are confident you will be able to do this thing.'

That night I had a dream that I was sitting next to the DH. He was looking at me as I was pretending to sleep. Pretending to sleep in the way that little kids pretend to sleep when they want their parents to carry them from the car to the house after being out late. My arm was resting next to him and I felt safe. 

Again, why am I getting the love that I needed from my family, from people at work?

LOOKING FOR LOVE IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES. PART I

As previously stated, the thing I was selected to represent didn't work out in that I did not advance or bring home any trophies. While I did not need this thing for my own ego, I just wanted to bring a little sunshine my university, my school, and my division. I wanted to win something to thank them for all they have done for me. 

There are two women who supported me and helped me prepare for this event.  One of them works at the university level and the other one at the school level.  I told them both before I departed that I wanted to do my very best.  They said:

"We know you will do a phenomenal job."

"We are so proud of you no matter the outcome." 

"We all know what a star you are."

"(You) made our school proud."

These are things my parents never said to me when I was growing up, ever. 

Why am I getting the love I needed from my family, from people at work?

THREADING THE NEEDLE

How do you call out a douche canoe in front of hundreds and hundreds of people, without using their name?

ACCEPTANCE

I emceed an event today. All in all, I was giving cocker spaniel on four cans of Red Bull. 

I made some mistakes. I also made some people laugh.  I'm making myself suffer for all my errors.

Brother Phap Huu says, "Self love doesn't mean we think we are the greatest.  That's just egotistical.  Love can just be acceptance."

I have such a hard time with acceptance. 

SMOKE MACHINE

If I had 100 BTU's of energy on any given day I'd probably spend 93-98 of them roasting myself.

Any machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrongly enough.

DOORS THAT CLOSE

I just found out an hour ago that the thing I was nominated for...was given.  More on that later.  Maybe.  

Meanwhile I have processed/made peace with the thing I was selected to represent, but didn't advance in.  It was a regional speech competition that was judged. I was one of forty-five participants and I did not get past the preliminary round, which honestly surprised me a bit. For one, the competition at the regional level wasn't as stiff as it was at the university level. So that was perplexing. Also, there were nine competitors in the room, three judges, and three randos in the back, and of all the people in that room, no fewer than six came up to me afterwards and said, "yours was my favorite" or "I can't believe you didn't advance." One person who came up to me after the event was actually one of the judges. She told me why they didn't select me and it turns out they had based their decision on a misunderstanding of the rubric. I know this because I checked with an organizer later.  But I'm truly not really all that disappointed about it. I'm sure if I really sat and thought about it, I could find some way to make myself miserable, but I'm just...not.

The third thing, the one where I was encouraged to apply, I had some serious reservations about, so although some components of that opportunity would have been exciting, I'm secretly relieved.  I met with a friend that I had not seen in over ten years and she said something very wise to me.  'Sometimes door that close have nothing to do with you.'      

EAT ME

I was walking back to my car after work a few weeks ago. It was a warm winter day and I was wearing a cute, sleek black cotton dress. The kind you can comfortably take a nap in. I was minding my own beeswax reading Socialist Realism by Trisha Low as I walked, as one does, not too fast and not too slow. I came to a zebra stripe crosswalk, where it was very clear that I, the pedestrian, had the right of way. I have pretty good peripheral vision and noticed a big silver truck with tinted windows, waiting for me to cross before it could turn. Just as soon as my body cleared the front bumper, the driver laid long and hard on the horn and peeled around me. It was so obvious this person was trying to make a statement. 

Normally in these situations, I reflexively flip the bird, but this time I felt inspired to try something new. So I grabbed my crotch and yelled, eat me! I was laughing when I did it, and I continued to giggle as I walked because the driver's reaction was so ridiculous, so incredibly over the top.  It really speaks volumes about the driver and the kind of day they were having. At first I felt entertained but then I started feeling sorry for them. 

There's a concept in Buddhism called the second arrow. The first arrow is a negative experience that is out of your control and it causes pain. But the second arrow is your ruminations on that painful event and that is what causes suffering. We do have control over the second arrow. Somehow, my understanding of that event (the first arrow) helped me avoid suffering (the second arrow) because a normal, whole person doesn't behave the way that driver did. Only a sad person treats a stranger like that. Only a hurt person dehumanizes like that. From the bottom of my heart, I do wish that motherfucker some peace.  

3 BIDS...FOR WISDOM

I put a bid in for three things in the past month.  

1) One, I was nominated for.  

2) One, I was encouraged to apply.  

3) One, I was selected to represent.

For three different reasons, the Powers That Be decided I wasn't their girl. I could blame myself for my failure to advance, but when I consider all I put together, I can honestly say I was true to myself and did my best work. Don't get me wrong, I have feelings about it. I won't pretend I'm not disappointed or sad. I can recognize those feelings without letting them eat me up because why would I have the audacity to believe I am entitled to anything?

Also, I don't necessarily believe that hard work gets you anywhere. I mean, certainly doing no work will get you nothing (unless you are an heir or heiress), but some people work their butts off and still get nothing.  I just finished reading Matthew Desmond's Poverty, By America.  It's about the policies and systems that keep some people poor and other people rich.  It's a good reminder that there are limits to what we can achieve and there are a lot of forces outside ourselves that we can't control.

Instead of getting upset about those things, I'm going to focus on the fact that I am lucky in love.  I had so many people supporting and encouraging me, wishing me luck, and sending love. When I leave this planet, I'm not going to dwell on the speeches I didn't make, the competitions I didn't win, or the impressive salary I never collected.  Instead I am going to be grateful for the people I loved and who loved me.  Being good to people, and cultivating authentic relationships, is something that I have some control over.  This is the lesson I'm choosing to take from this experience.

A CAT NAMED STEVE

I have a cat named Steve.  He's a good boy.  But he gets beat up by other cats.  Sometimes my kids harass him.  They like to pat his big belly and tell him that he's fat.  My husband also molests him.  He likes to pick Steve up and hold him and smells his fur.  I think it's really weird.  I keep reminding him, 'purring is not consent,' but he never listens.  Truly, I'm the only one who respects Steve's bodily autonomy.  I pet him when he approaches me and when I do, he makes little fists with his paws, gripping the ground as though he might float into the air on a cloud of ecstasy.  

Unless he's getting the tar beat out of him by a neighbor cat, his tail is almost always straight up in the air, like an exclamation point at the end of the statement, 'I am happy!'  I can relate.  I'm the same.  I have this weird internal resilience where I keep bouncing back even when people fuck with me or things go poorly.  I don't even hold on to bad feelings about it.  It's just...life, you know?  I'm just happy I get to experience it.

I don't really know what's going on in Steve's little pecan brain, but I'm starting to think he really chooses happiness.  I mean...he purrs when he licks his own butthole.  

FEAR, BRAVERY, ACTION

Fear and bravery are the same things.  The only difference is, bravery is connected to action.

READ THIS POST WHILE LISTENING TO 'THESE ARE THE DAYS' BY 10,000 MANIACS

When I was a little kid, I had this little kid play table.  It had some kind of pattern on the top with a bright orange plastic trim.  I remember dragging that table into the bathroom, and getting a whole bunch of playdoh, and pulling all of that over to the toilet so I could play with my playdoh while I took a dump.  

If you didn't search up the song and play it while reading, as instructed, you can still click here and read the post again for the full experience.

AUTOCORRECT

It's weird that my phone has an autocorrect for the word WOKE, but not for another four letter word that ends in K (that I use far, far more often).