SWEET NOTHINGS

It's not what you say, it's how you say it.

...But hey, sometimes it's what you say.

DIDN’T MEAN TO STIR YOU

I popped into Asher’s office yesterday afternoon. It's not out of the way. We chatted for about ten minutes and everything seemed “normal” until the conversation started to wind down. When our words became scarce his eyes grew teary. I suddenly felt yoked with guilt and the air around us became stiff with awkwardness. I had to evacuate, for his sake and mine. I gave him an empathetic smile, touched his hand, said goodbye, and turned around to walk away. After about three foot steps, I heard him punch/kick/strike his file cabinet. Those were his last words for me. And while he spoke them, I was on a conveyer belt moving in the other direction by forces stronger than our combined wills.

OUT OF THE CAVE

Ladies and gentlemen, I just bought a cell phone. I was trying to get my birth control prescription filled last week (last minute thing) when I found myself hopelessly snared in the ropy mess of Planned Parenthood’s IVR, interactive voice response system. I wanted to talk to a live person, but all I got was Lady Robot telling me to press-one-to-reach-the-clinic-and-press-two-to-reach-the-administrative-office.

And all I could do was stare helplessly at my beautiful, army-green rotary phone wheel.

I WENT TO OSCAR'S PARTY THIS EVENING

And oh my god that shit can drag on!

I won the category, 'Most Obnoxious Commentary.' And I really hate to boast here, but I think I ought to mention that I was also nominated for 'Ate Most of the Popcorn.'

NEWS

My brother Pit Pat called this afternoon. I started the conversation with the standard, "What's happening? What's new?" He made one of those cough-laughs that sounded like the cocking of a gun. He replied simply,

"A lot."

There was something in the way he spoke; I knew exactly what was to follow. I love him and I know he is going to make a great father.

FAUX LEXICON

A little while ago, I said something about wanting to memorize The Jabberwocky by Lewis Carroll. Well I did it and now I'm absolutely dying to use the word 'vorpal' and 'manxome' in a sentence.

HUG THIS

Today I'm feeling about as cuddly as a mushroom cloud.

PEOPLE TALK ABOUT MY DRINKING

But they don't ever asks about my thirst.

SO HAPPY TOGETHERRRRRRRRRRRR!

Homemade Pumpkin Pie & Green Tea Ice Cream

(...Ba, ba, ba, baaah! Ba, ba, ba, bah!)

THIS LAZY MORNING ENTRY WAS MADE POSSIBLE BY PRESIDENT'S DAY: HELPING HARDWORKING FOLKS SKIP WORK SINCE 1971

1. Toast one slice multigrain bread
2. Spread chunky almondbutter
3. Add a few slices thick cut bacon
4. Dab bacon lightly with honey

The Steady wrinkled his nose. That’s understandable. But one bite later, he was singing the almondbutter-bacon-honey-sandwich song. You know the one.

STATUS EVIL: FOILED

All my brilliant plans for evil have been foiled!

Can one throw a tantrum when evil is foiled?

Or is that asking too much?

SHE HATES

She hates the cursory movements of their lovemaking;

The tired sounds of release.

MY FRIDGE IS TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING

It says: “Blup, blup, blup, blup, blup, blup, blup!”

It's not an angry sound. It's more of a cooing bubbly sound.

THE VIEW FROM HERE

It's a lot easier to talk about how great my life is going to be from here.
Cause, baby, you just wait and see! It's going to be sooooooooo great!

...But you ought see where I am standing.

HUMAN PETRI DISH

I was pissing blood last night. Another urinary tract infection. Come see the amazing Human Petri Dish. What am I supposed to do? Where did I put the instruction manual for my body?

ZEN AND THE ART OF BIKE MAINTENANCE

My ex-husband was really into bike maintenance. He had all these tools and on weekends he'd take one of his two bikes apart, clean the various components, and then put them back together again. He would do this while drinking copious amounts of coffee and listening to NPR. I never really got it. I would usually walk into our living room, littered with ball bearings and Allen wrenches, and observe him the same way I might observe a manatee or pangolin struggling with the same task. It was such a curious sight. I was bewildered by his zeal. I never understood the fascination with bike mechanics.

Until now.

A SHORT LETTER TO THE WORLD

Hi world.

I don't know if you read my site, but if you do, would you please stop fucking with me today?

Thanks!!

Sincerely,

Winter Wren

THE 2006 BEST TERMS OF ENDEARMENT

1. Snugglebottoms
2. Popsicle Toes
3. Dumpling Head
4. Punkin'
5. Toots
6. Darlin'
7. Angle Face (and by that, I mean Angel Face)
8. Puddinhead
9. Pea Hen
10. Plow Jocky

I'm still working on this list. Perhaps Cupid could step in and inspire me? Huh, how about it you crazy naked baby?

YOU HAVE TO WANT IT

I totally get this.

BUT WE ALREADY KNEW THAT

The Steady keeps bathroom sundries in my medicine cabinet. Just a few things like a toothbrush, plastic contact lens case, and a bottle of generic contact solution. He came over last night for dinner. When I opened the medicine cabinet this morning, I found the contact solution had multiplied (asexually?), because suddenly there two bottles of saline! I came into the living room/bedroom/study of my apartment and told him excitedly about the clone. He said he brought it over last night since the first bottle was getting low. He said he hoped it wasn’t too presumptuous.

I fell into a swoon and exclaimed, “Oh honey! You really do believe this relationship is going to last longer than one bottle of saline solution!!” A bottle of contact juice is, after all, the universal metric for caring.

THIS IS HOW WE LOSE IT

It's the last class of the day. My students are extremely punchy and I've had too much coffee. And then Anthony farts. Loudly. For a moment the entire class, like one big organism, is trying to decide if the noise should be ignored or acknowledged. First Bill turns his head, as if in slow-mo. And then Joe turns his head in the same direction and smirks. And then it's all over. The whole class erupts into a giggling riot. Meanwhile, I'm trying to gain control of my audience. You know, get them back to the topic of water pollution.

...Only I'm laughing too. I mean, really laughing. I'm looking down, pinching the bridge of my nose, trying to hide the fact that my shoulders are shaking. And the harder I try to stop, the more I laugh. I had to look away, out the window somewhere, and curse myself quietly before I could finally move on. It was totally embarrassing and unprofessional and hilarious.

AND NOW BACK TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM

Here are the answers to the TRIVIA PARTY questions, as promised.

1. Pringles (like, duah)
2. Raisin Bran (two scoops!)
3. Teddy Grahams (the honey ones)
4. Marshmallow Mateys (for the thrifty cereal shopper)
5. Twinkies (slept with little debbie in order to get this job)

DEATH IN THE FAMILY

We interrupt this TRIVIA PARTY in order to bring you this breaking news story. This morning, my dad's cat, fat Tuesday (a.k.a. Mardi Gras), went "gentle into that good night..." Dad sent me and Pit Pat an email today, where he said the following: There was never another cat that we liked so much. I'll really miss that piece of shit.

Maybe if you knew my dad, you would appreciate how incredibly effusive and sentimental that statement is.

Oh dear.

Breaks m'heart.

TRIVIA PARTY

Last night my Ultimate Friend, Trixie, hosted a trivia party. All the guests had to prepare five questions in some category. I took my new camera to the downtown Target and snapped a few pictures of processed food logos. Others had to name the food/brand for each logo. Why don't you have a go? Answers will be posted tomorrow.

#1

#2

#3

#4

#5

COGITATING

Prada asked me how things were going with The Steady. I grinned and sparkled like a disco ball. He nodded in quiet understanding. Then I told him how Asher has been contacting me lately. I asked what he thought of it. "Men are lonely," he replied leaning back in his chair. Prada is one of very few straight males friends I have, so when he speaks of these things, I lean in. I lean in the same way I would lean into a TV airing a program called, The Secret Life of Ground Squirrels.

He went on to explain that men generally don't know how to make emotional connections with others. I insist this is more nurture than nature. He agrees and continues to tell me how a man might have an intimate, emotional experience with a woman (typically a girlfriend or wife) and how by having his emotional vein tapped, he often finds himself very stirred by it. Only because it happens so infrequently. He suspects that Asher never knew what to do with this kind of intimacy. And now he probably doesn't know what to do without it.

I have not really been thinking about Asher lately, as much as I have been thinking about the difference between men and women. I mean, our needs and the way we process information, it's so bloody different!

THIS TEACHER:

a) Has chalk on her corduroy pants.
b) Is powerless without her red pen.
c) Ate too many ginger lozenges.
d) All of the above.

WHAT'S IN A PSEUDONYM?

This Boy calls himself my 'steady.'
S'okay. Let's call him 'The Steady.'