OR SOMETHING

My parents left the country today. They are going to be teaching in China for the next ten months. While they're away, I'm going to be in charge of their 2005 Toyota Echo. Look at me. I'm like, an adult. Or something.

AH...AH...AH...

Wha-choooo!

My parent's house is quite filled with allergens. It's almost unbearable.

COMPLEMENTS

My friend John paid me the nicest compliment when we were traveling. He said, "Good god Wren, you eat a lot!" It’s really the best thing you can say to a recovered bulimic. It made me feel so normal. I wiped a large smear of guacamole from my mouth, grinned and said, “Thanks."

ABOUT BUNNIES

I'm currently reading Watership Down by Richard Adams. Many take the book for some kind of allegory or parable, but the author insists it's only a story about bunnies.

NO SECONDS, PLEASE

Whenever I needed to ameliorate the gnawing boredom of long bus rides and sleepless nights below the equator, I would turn to Jean Auel's Clan of the Cave Bear. I found it a well researched piece of science fiction. I mean seriously, what a curious encounter to imagine! A Cro-Magnon girl meets up with a small band of Neanderthals? Cool! And it was good. In fact, I liked it so much I reached for the next book in the series, The Valley of Horses.

*biting fingers*

Only the second story reads more like cheesy romance. Some things were just too far fetched for me. It was too much fantasy. I kept waiting for a unicorn to burst forth. And oh my God, Jondalar of the Zelandoni? Must the story orbit around your insatiable, throbbing manhood? I found myself exclaiming things like, "Jondalar please. Stuff it back in your loincloth. We're all getting a little tired of that."

BLAZING SADDLES

How is it that I've been on this planet for almost thirty years and I'm just now seeing this film? It's genius. I want to stuff it into envelopes and mail it to everyone I know.

DEAR MAYOR

There are a lot of things I really like about the city I inhabit. I just think it would be even better if we had a couple water canals and some more cute Polish guys.

VOYER

Yesterday I saw a girl in a PetSmart t-shirt painting the walls of her new apartment.

SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO?

I was invited by The Steady and his friend to a cabin in Ontario. I was going to leave with them today and then return September first. But it didn't really work out. And that's just as well. I'm going to miss the boy. But then again, I do like my time alone.

AMOEBAS OUT!

So I managed to elude those pesky protozoans in Ecuador. Brilliant. Good for me. But now, back in the United States almost a week later it suddenly hits me. And of all possible times and places, I happen to be jogging some six miles through city parks with The Steady.

It was horrible. I don't think I've never had it so bad (except for that time in Seattle when I had dim sum at 3:30 or 4:00 in the afternoon and bacteria cells had been dividing under heat lamps for about nine hours). I was literally peeing out of my butt. Truly folks, it was enough to make a hippopotamus blush. We had to stop three times on the way back to his apartment and each time, it was like my butt was auditioning for the lead role in The Exorcist.

CULTURE SHOCK

I always experience some low voltage culture shock whenever I return to the Midwest. Just the other day, I was walking around one of our many city lakes (while reading T.C. Boyle) and decided to stop in a gift shop on the way home. I was wondering the time and happened to notice a middle aged woman with a wristwatch. She was standing a few feet from me. I said, "Um, excuse me? Can you tell me the time?"

Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but her immediate expression when I approached her, you would think I had just asked if I could I stick my little finger in her dog's ass.

SORRY PRINCESS

Okay one more story about Ecuador and then I'm done. I'm afraid I am starting to sound like one of those enamored teenager and her new like, boyfriend. "Oh Ecuador! He's so gorgeous! He's so...biodiverse!" Gross.

So we spent four days and three nights in a biological research station near Tena. The food was amazing and after every evening meal, we were visited by various insects. I mean huge crawly stick insects and gigantic green grasshoppers with wicked barbs on their feet. The shit was positively Paleozoic! And we (being science nerds) were like the paparazzi, all at once jockeying to get the money shot with our digital cameras.

The insect in the picture above, a beautiful green leaf-insect got a little nervous what with the flashing lights and quick movement. It jumped from its perch onto John who defended himself with quick flapping hand motions around his face. He succeeded in deflecting the insect. It flew at me and I accidentally stepped on it! Immediately the three of us froze, mouths agape, staring at the brilliant green smudge on the floor like it was Princess Di. It happened so fast. It was very sad. And I felt terrible.

And then Lupo, the cabana owner’s Great Dane, sauntered in and casually ate it.

BURNING CLEAN

So my travel companions and I made a little bet the first night in Quito. Who was going to get dysentery first? The winner? (Drum roll!) Just got dysentery I suppose. We actually never discussed prizes.

In any case, my friend John won hands down, followed by Frenchie-but hey, it was a close second. I, however, never got a chance to compete because I was fucking constipated the whole way. It was so frustrating! I ate half a chicken at Pollo Jimmy’s in Latacunga and two huge burritos with rice and beans in Banos and nothing, nothing was coming out the other end. “You’re burning clean.” That’s what John said, and shrugged his shoulders with unbiased impartial concern.

ALTITUDE SICKNESS

In general, I think I'm pretty healthy and strong. I hiked fifteen miles around Sleeping Giant Provincial Park and hardly felt sick when I was injected with a live yellow fever virus. So I guess you could say I was a bit surprised when I woke up in Quito, three thousand meters from sea level with a splitting headache, panting like a dog in heat. I was literally lying in bed trying to catch my breath.

The next time you are a passenger in a car traveling over 60 mph, roll the window down all the way and stick your face directly in the wind and try to breathe regularly. That's what it felt like.

NO TOQUE EL MONO

Here Anonymous, a picture of the pregnant capuchin monkey that bit a tourist in Misahulli. This woman (a tourist from Quito) asked me to take a picture of her and the little beast. As I was framing the shot, she decided to put her hand on its head like it was some kind of animated dolly and it promptly turned around and bit her on the hand. Notice the monkey in the picture above, after the tourist left the scene (to have her hand amputated I assume). Do you see how it is eating something? It's gnawing on strands of raw meat and sinew. Who in their right mind would touch a wild monkey that is so obviously busy eating raw meat!?

LAUNDRY KARMA

I decided to do some post travel laundry this afternoon. I am literally trying to wash the Andes Mountains from my clothes. Especially the corduroy pants I wore three days in a row. I mean, phew. Talk about biohazard. Maybe I should've just burned them.

There are two washing machines and two dryers in the basement. Once my clothes are washed, I realize one dryer is broken and the other one is in use. S'ok. No problem. I put my wet clothes back into the laundry basket and place it by the one functioning dryer. When I return to the basement in about ten minutes time, I discover someone had taken their clothes out of the dryer and put mine in. And it was still running. Isn't that thoughtful?

I'm indebted to thee, Laundry Robin Hood, wherever you are!

RED EYE

We flew over night from Guayaquil to Atlanta. Oh how it sucked llama dingle-berries. I didn't sleep a wink. And I'll have you know, I did not declare the botflies in my leg when I passed through customs.

So, smoke that homeland security!

ECUADOR #13

It's like paint-by-number out here.

ECUADOR #12

Me and my llama. Well, just my llama actually.

ECUADOR #11

The hot springs of Banos.

ECUADOR #10

From the streets of Quito.

ECUADOR #9

Red root in the leaf litter.

ECUADOR #8

Leggy insects found near our jungle cabana.

ECUADOR #7

Taken from the cable car to Teleferico (4,000 meters).

ECUADOR #6

Volcano evacuation route in Banos. Good to know.

ECUADOR #5

"And now is time for the box lunch!" Our Andes guide, Carlos.

ECUADOR #4

Mas frutas.

ECUADOR #3

It's every morning with the fresh fruit.

ECUADOR #2

Here you have your typical one-bedroom Andes bungalow.

ECUADOR #1

This is where it's at.

WHO BUILT THIS THING?

OMG. WTF?