RE: OMAHA MALL SHOOTING

The next time some despondent teen decides to kill a bunch of people and then off himself in order to 'be famous,' I wish he'd take his dumb-ass assault rifle to the next NRA convention.

OOLONG AND OTHER THIHGS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH TEA

I mentioned a long time ago something about not liking most words that begin with the letter B. This still holds true. Words like bagel, boots, and bush make me feel, how do you say, a tad unclean? The name Barbara and its many variations (Barb or Barbie) are even more trouble because they have two B’s each. Usually when I see people with this name, I just smile wide and say 'Oh, hey you!'

Don't give me that look, everyone has some kind of odd hang-up. For example, some people don’t drink beer and that completely baffles me.

Anyways, to make up for this short coming I would like to state that I really like words that begin with double O’s. Like oosphere, oospore, oology, and oocyte. Although the dictionary insists these words begin with an "oh-ah" sound, I heard a doctor lady on NPR pronounce them with an "oo-oo" sound, which I like much better.

RE: SNOW AND DUNCAN

This morning I poured myself into a pair of ass-kicker snow boots and walked to the neighborhood hardware store to buy a snow shovel. Some guy in isle number five told me how he actually owns three or four good shovels but they are all held up in his garage. Now he needs to buy this one (shaking for emphasis) in order to dig the others out.

Back at the ranch, I was shoveling the front sidewalk when I happen to notice a rather smallish neighbor make his way, slowly towards me. He was shoveling too but in that way kids do things to mimic adults without actually completing the action. I stopped and waved to him like I was a Japanese animated character and with some reluctance he reciprocated. It wasn’t long before he was chatting me up about his brand new orange shovel and telling me his name is Duncan and would like to come down the street to his house to see the snow cat that he and his sister made earlier this morning?

Isn't that charming? And he had a little kid mullet which was very cute.

YES, I AM THAT CRABY LADY

I was strolling through a certain grocery store this morning when some puffy eyed kid with his thumb jammed in his mouth walked straight into my legs. No big deal, but it did kind of take me by surprise. I uttered some harmless phrase like, “Whoa, Jesus.” This happens to be a very generic expression for me. I use it indiscriminately for squirrels, hobos, dogs, and children. Plus, it was barely audible. It’s not like I dropped my jumbo box of Jr. Mints, clutched my shin and howled, “Jesus Fucking Christ!” Nonetheless, the mother of this child cocked her petite blonde head and said in her snottiest most exasperated voice, “Ah, I think you’ll get over it!”

I looked at her very sincerely and smiled. “Thanks, I already have.”