MOST MEMORABLE, NEXT TO ROLLERSKATING

This is a picture I took on my twenty-sixth birthday. I was touring Angkor Wat and the surrounding temples for eight hours on bicycle in the hot Cambodian sun. I ate an entire bunch of tiny bananas and then yakked them up from heat stroke. It was probably one of my most memorable birthdays. Or at least it's tied with the disco roller skating party I had when I turned eight.

TURKEY LIVERWURST: PROS AND CONS

PRO: It is a pretty good source of protein
CON: It is called "liverwurst" (liver worst)
PRO: It only has 1.5 grams of fat/serving
CON: It smells like dog food
PRO: It spreads very evenly
CON: It smells like dog food

GO AWAY!

Perhaps this is punishment for my crying about students being total apathetic slugs. When I come to class, they’re like a den of drooling opium addicts. They’re physically in their seats, but their minds are frolicking in sunny poppy fields far, far away. So now I have this student, S. He is a middle aged fellow with an ornery disposition. He walks with a limp because the chip on his shoulder is that big. He’s an overachiever, but that’s not even the correct term, because he’s not obsessed with content or knowledge as much as he’s obsessed with points. The man must aspire to robot-hood because he will not accept even the slightest deviation from perfect.

I gave his class a twenty point quiz the other day, with two points for extra credit. He got a perfect paper (20/20), but he stayed after class to complain about the two questions he got wrong. He told me that he plans to do an extra credit project to boost his grade. He has a fucking A in the class! A mother-fucking 98.7%! Here’s my message to him and people like him: Go away. You are a pain in my ass and you are going to give yourself a heart attack if you keep these unrealistic expectations up.

CHANGING PERCEPTIONS

I've been thinking a lot about my ex-in-laws lately. Mainly because I am driving to their house this weekend with my dad to pick up a set of theater chairs that belong to me but have been in storage for the past two years. I am actually surprised they didn't host a neighborhood bonfire when they found out that I wanted to divorce their son. Anyways, I have been thinking about what their perceptions are regarding the divorce and how my feelings about it have changed over the past six to nine months. Last summer, I was still caught in a quagmire of relief and release on the one hand and insane guilt and self-loathing on the other. Now I have come to realize that I am not a quitter, that I had good reasons to leave that relationship, that my issues were not the only reasons why it didn't work out. There were some very essential things that he didn't give me and couldn't give me. I feel a pressing need to tell him so.

THIS ONE'S FOR GREAT AUNT LORETTA

My great aunt Loretta passed away this weekend. Her health had been waning for about a year, but it was probably most compromised by the fact that she drank a lot. Of alcohol, I mean, not fruit smoothes. The sad thing is that I know my grandmother harvested a lot of contempt and judgment for younger her sister for being an alcoholic. But then I think about poor Loretta, who was called a whore by her dying mother for falling in love with and marrying a divorced man. If those were my mom's last words to me, I'd drink like a fish. Why do people do these fucked up things to each other?

I remember going to her house when Pit Pat and I were little kids. She would always bake these magnificent popovers and teach us Lithuanian words. She had a lot of pride for her heritage. She will be missed.

GO FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO STONE

RS has this friend, someone he has known since high school. When RS and I started seeing each other two summers ago, he confided in her our messy situation. I was not in the least surprised when both she and her husband expressed overt disapproval regarding the genesis of our relationship, although I feel it should be noted that of all the friends we told, they were the only ones to pass such harsh and absolute judgment.

Although I did not care for her opinion at the time, I came to understand her situation. She was most likely concerned for RS and saw him in an unstable, if not potentially dangerous situation. She challenged him and counseled him that summer but remained his friend throughout. I know it's not easy to be the one to tell a friend something they may not want to hear. And now that I am divorced and RS and I are living together, she seems to be less judgmental and more understanding herself. I have actually meet her since. Nice lady.

Her husband, however, let's call him Tom, has refused to see RS and even now, doesn't want to have anything to do with him. I have never met Tom, but when I learned this weekend that he was intentionally "punishing us" by keeping us out of his family life, I lost the tiny fleck of interest I had in meeting him in the first place. RS is upset by this because he knows Tom and feels the need to take it upon himself to help this man work through his personal issues or perhaps RS feels the need to explain himself, I don't know. All I know is that god and myself, we are the only ones who can punish me for the choices I have made in my life. So, fuck you Tom. If we chance to meet, I will be my normal, nice, open self. But like hell do I feel like I need to repent or apologize to you. The mere thought of it makes me laugh.

GUILTY PLEASURES

I'm not really into TV. As a kid my viewing was limited to NOVA specials about naked mole rats and sometimes on Saturday mornings I watched Degrassi Jr. High episodes about peer pressure and teen pregnancy. I thought my dad was some kind of tyrant asshole because he wouldn't let me watch Punky Brewster or He Man Masters of the Universe. Occasionally, my mom would let my Pit Pat and I watch commercial TV but that meant we would all have to endure dad's obnoxious commentary, like socialist subtitles.

In any case, now that I'm an adult I feel that I maintain a pretty healthy relationship with the tele. I probably watch less than five hours a week, but when I do watch, it tends to be pretty base programming. I figure if you are going to indulge in this sort of mental masturbation, do it up right. I will tighten the blinds, fluff the futon pillows, and watch an episode of Elimidate. It's so bad. Sooooooooooo bad! And I fucking love it! I especially love it when the competitors are "privately" interviewed throughout the "date." Here the producers print each contestant's name along with a quick title describing his/her position/strategy. The same thing is done in the NOVA specials during the frequent talking head segments. A title will appear, something like, "Dr. Smarty: Naked Mole Rat specialist from Fancy Pants Ivy League University." Only on Elimidate it's more like, "Becky: Took offense," or "Renee: Hates being upstaged," or "Alicia: Declares Victory."

EAST OF EDEN BY JOHN STEINBECK

"He was one of those men who lived in poverty so that their lines of questioning may continue.”

PMS

All I want to do lately is eat red meat and chocolate and chocolate and fuck. And poor RS has to just take it like a man.

BIG BROTHER

I just found out that my brother was accepted into nursing school. There were 400 applicants and only 60 made it in! Three cheers for Pit Pat!

ADVENTURES IN TV LAND

Dear people who make used car commercials: stop yelling at me!!!

EXCEPTIONS

There is one man on campus that I allow to call me sweetheart. He is George, the very old and very Greek guy who works in the cafeteria.

HAPPY MAY DAY!

"Don't scab for the bosses, Don't listen to their lies, Us poor folks haven't got a chance unless we organize!"

~Mrs. Florence Reece