MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND #2

So I tried my hand at mountain biking last fall. I went on a couple runs with The Steady. He called me 'a natural.' Imagine me blushing through a sheet of sweat and freckled with mud. Aw shucks.

The runs we negotiated this weekend were in the neighboring state. They were twice as long and much more technically challenging, but hot dang, it was terrific fun! It was like being in a two hour Mt. Dew commercial.

I almost can't believe I'm sitting here with all my original teeth in my head.

MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND #1

The Steady and I are on the road this weekend. Yeah I know, real original. The weekend themes are: beer, mountain biking, camping, beer, friend's cabin, food, seedy motel sex, hikes, and more beer!!

WHITE MUSK

A fellow at work (a student, not mine) asked me what perfume I wear. He told me he noticed it a few times when we passed one another in the hallway and he liked it. It sounds like a bad pick up line, but honestly his query was so matter-of-fact it was neither meant nor taken as one.

The strange thing is, the reason I'm bothering to write about this at all, yesterday or the day before I realized I couldn't smell my own perfume anymore. I practically had the little glass vial shoved up my nose and it smelled like a bottle of empty. I considered going back to the place it was purchased to say, "Sorry to trouble you, but his perfume is broken. May I please have my five dollars back?"

But maybe the perfume isn't broken.

Perhaps my nose is broken.

BOOKS AND SUN

I am currently engrossed in Truman Capote's In Cold Blood. The copy I am reading must be over forty years old. Its mustard pages emit that awesome old book smell every time I open it up. All I want to do this afternoon is find some remote, sunny patch of grass to lie down in and read.

PLEASE BE FUN

Ultimate Frisbee (summer league) starts tonight. Teams are drafted from a pool of people who either signed up alone or in pairs. The Steady and I signed up together but I do not recognize any other names on the roster. I don't mind if our team member aren't skilled. It would bother me more if they didn't know how to have fun.

GREGOR SAMSA AT THE YWCA

I saw an extremely large cockroach crossing the YWCA parking lot this morning. It was an impressive insect. One would have to consume great quantities of cardboard and detritus in order to reach this size. Because it was so big, I could clearly see its features. I noticed its beady black eyes, its probing antennae, its stiff carapace. I watched it scuttle along and at one point it paused (I swear to god I am not making this up) to catch its breath.

It's mighty strange to seen an insect out of breath.

DREAM TWENTY-TWO

Last night I dreamt I was giving The Steady a salacious BJ. And when he came, it was all heaps of Chipotle Mayonnaise. Aaaaaaaaargh!

I am so grossed out.

SMALL ETHICS (PART B)

So this student, he did not email me back. Instead he stopped by the classroom so we could chat, you know, face to face. He told me in a hushed voice no, he is not asking me to lie for him. But, he pleaded, not getting this award could have a profound effect on his job placement. He wanted to know if he could do some extra work so he could earn the removal of those tardies.

Okay first, if he has a 4.0 GPA, I hardly think he is going to have a problem getting a good job. And second, if he worked for me (helped grade papers, like he suggested) than the whole thing would just feel more like bribery than lying. So I said no.

Now I kind of feel like a jerk.

But hey, a very scrupulous jerk.

SMALL ETHICS (PART A)

There's an award at this school for students who have achieved perfect attendance. I know one student who is three tardies away from getting that award. I had him in my class almost 2 years ago. He emailed me recently asking me if I'd remove those tardies. He admits he was late those days, he just wants it changed.

He's obviously an accomplished student. He got an A in my class and he has a 4.0 GPA. When I responded I asked, "Do you think it's ethical for me to say you had perfect attendance, when in fact, it wasn't? Are you asking me to lie for you?"

I have not yet heard back.

NOT A FOLLOWER

This afternoon before leaving work, one of the entry guards stopped me in the hallway and asked if I was a follower of Jesus Christ. Oh, I’m sorry, the who what? Do I look like a follower of Jesus Christ? "No," I politely replied, "I'm a very comfortable agnostic." We stared at each other for a few awkward moments, kind of smiling kind of grimacing.

…

So I said, “I take it you are.” And he said, “Yup.” And not knowing what else to say or how to end the conversation, I brandished my thumb and said, “Well, good for you!”

BAD ASS

I swim a mile three times a week. Usually I swim freestyle and do kick turns at the wall, so it can get pretty boring. Back and forth, back and forth. Snore. Well today, some sleak tan thing in red pool boy shorts slips into the adjacent lane. He's swimming at a pretty good clip, but I know I can catch him. I'm nearing the end of my workout, but I speed up anyway, hoping to lap him before I have to get out.

But the dude speeds up! And for about three or four laps we are neck to neck. And then, just as I'm about to take him, he stops at the wall. Dah!

AND TAKE IT

I was helping a science class review for an up-coming test. I bothered to make review sheets. Then, I gave them time during class to work on the review sheets. And then I went over all the terms on the review sheets. I mean, I really felt like I was spoon-feeding all the information. I felt this so deeply I said, "I really feel like I'm spoon-feeding all the information."

But they were too busy chatting and playing simulated dirt-bike games online. They weren't even listening to me. Thoroughly irked at their inattention I went on to say, "So why don't you guys just open your mouths and take it!"

Snickering.

Oh, god the snickering!

I stammered. "I mean the information. Take the information. In your mouth. You know, the spoon. Like spoon-feeding. Just. Nevermind."

GO COMMANDO

I've been biking to work twice a week since March 4. It’s exactly 5 miles each way and the route is a relative straight shot. I am trying to prepare myself for June 15. That is when my parents return to the United States and reclaim their Toyota Echo. Yup. Daddy take the T Bird away.

Or something like that.

Yesterday, I biked to work and realized while changing in the women’s bathroom, that I forgot an extra pair of underwear. I had no choice but to go commando. Good thing I was wearing corduroy pants.

AW, HE LOVES ME

The Steady loves me. I was certain about this when he woke up this morning, opened his dresser drawer and pulled out one knee length soccer sock and helped me wrap it around my head in order to keep the piercing light out of my bloodshot eyes. What a nice boy. Then he crept into the basement, yakked up the toast I made for breakfast, and came back to bed.

Hangovers are so much better when you share them with someone.

AW FER CUTE

She climbed into the waste basket on her own. I didn't bait her.
I wonder what she was saying to me when I took the picture.

COLD HEARTED SNAKE

A real plumber came over today. He fixed the problem in about twenty minutes. He used a mammoth plumber's wrench, longer than my arm. And he looked more like Robert DeNiro than Luigi. I paid a fraction of what I was expecting to pay and the tub drains like a motherfucker now. Pardon my French. I'm just really excited about it. He also showed me how to extract future clogs with a shop vacuum.

I'm now of the opinion that plumbers don't suck, but snake guys do.