KISS MY ASS COMCAST

The alleyway behind our house is narrow. Last Wednesday, after a 12 hour day at work, all I wanted to do was come home, park my car in the garage, and eat the hot, crispy, spicy pork chimichanga that I planned to fetch from the neighborhood joint.

But alas, as I turned into the alleyway, I found it occluded by a rather large, vacant Comcast truck. For those of you that don’t live in my neck of the woods, Comcast is the current ruling cable mafia family. They own our city and for that, I hate them. In fact, our combined loathing of this company is the reason why The Steady and I still don’t have basic cable TV. But now as I am faced with this empty truck illegally parked in the alleyway, I hate them a little bit extra.

I can see the headlights of a car on the other side of the van, trying to access their garage on my side of the van. I honk my horn and unleash an impressive string of expletives. The person on the other side honks their horn too. But nothing happens. So we both concede to backing our cars out of the alleyway to drive around the block.

After I park the car, I go inside the house and vent my frustrations to The Steady. He listens and shakes his head in allegiance while he puts his coat and shoes on. Then we leave out the back door to pick up our take-out food. When we get back from the restaurant, maybe twenty, twenty five minutes elapsed.

The van is still in the alleyway.
But what’s this? As we pas the inert beast, some young punk bounds out of a nearby apartment complex and starts to hop into the van. I put on my best New York Attitude and ask him what the BIG FUCKING IDEA is, leaving his van in the middle of the road like that. He says there wasn’t any parking on the other side of the street. In fact, he insists, there was not a single parking spot for two and a half blocks! This is bullshit. I live here. There's parking all over the place. This kid was obviously too lazy to find it and then walk one block to the job. Yeah, it’s winter. It’s cold. I get it, but you can’t just park where you want Cable Guy. You are not a fire truck or an ambulance. In fact, you are not any kind of emergency vehicle. You're just a lazy dumb ass. And I hate the people who sign you meager paychecks.