ABOUT CHRISTIAN SCIENCE

I know a woman whose parents are devout Christian Scientists. She gave me a brief run down once. If I understand her correctly, Christian Scientists believe all illness stems from fear/ignorance/sin. This means physical ailments can and should be cured by faith and understanding in God alone, not modern medicine.

Well this woman's mother recently became ill. Her mom refuses to see a doctor so nobody really knows what's wrong with her, but all signs point to congestive heart failure. I can't imagine how maddening it would be to watch your own mother waste away before your eyes and not be able to do a single thing about it. I know I should not cast stones. But Christian Science is a retarded religion.

IN THE BOOKSTORE BATHROOM

What's that on the floor? Oh my god, is that a used tampon on the floor!? That is disgusting!! Who would just toss a used -

Wait a second...

That's a gummy worm.

MY RESPONSE

I had a student (from a previous quarter) ask me today to change the attendance records so he can get a "Perfect Attendance Award" upon graduation. He was very crafty in the way he asked me to tweak the truth, so I outright asked him if he wanted me to lie for him. To this he responded, "yes I'm pretty much asking you to tell a little lie about my attendance." His plan was to cajole me into changing his attendance record so he could then approach my colleague and ask him for the same favor. Although I personally have nothing against this particular student, I found him and his cohort lazy and ill-mannered. Whatever gave him the silly notion that I would be willing to bend the rules for him?

My response: I don't know, man. That sounds like cheating to me. The only favor I can do for you at this point is save you from wasting your time composing an email to TG, who is also hopelessly burdened with integrity. Congratulations on your near-perfect attendance and graduation. ~WW

FEED ME CONDIMENTS

We had a publishing representative in our office the other day. Whew! A foxy whiskered gentleman, that one...

Ahem.

Anyways, he treated the office staff to lunch (sandwiches/chips/cookies.) I'm not supposed to eat any deli meats (for fear of listeria) so I had to steer clear of the sandwiches. But I did consume an entire cup of dill pickle coins and then a cup of pepperoncini. Everyone was ogling me like I was having those crazy pregnant woman cravings, but shit, I would've eaten those things anyway.

GOOD WORDS

I'm currently engrossed in The Road to Wellville.
Who knew T.C. Boyle was such a word whore?

TROUBLE SLEEPING

We attended a childbirth class this weekend. It was useful in that it gave us a lot of important things to cogitate on. However I had a difficult time sleeping last night. On several occasions I woke up and all I could see were vaginas, erupting with cerulean babies.

8 MONTHS PREGNANT

The Steady and I went to one of our favorite city park this morning after breakfast (well...donuts) to throw the frisbee around. I was the recipient of many admonishing looks. Mostly from the older birds.

APPARENTLY, I LACK COMMON SENSE

A student in my class wrote "should" instead of "should not" on a test. I took a point off because it was a rather poorly written answer. He came up to me after class to argue the point. He said, "Anyone with common sense would know what I meant!"

Oh yeah?

Well, anyone with common sense wouldn't confuse two expressions that are as different as "yes" and "no."

PARCHED

No April showers = No May flowers

BABY SHOWER REGISTRY

Last night The Steady and I went to "Super" Target to register for baby stuff. The whole thing was kind of ridiculous because neither of us had any idea what to put on the list. I suggested we add an assortment of condoms. TS was fine with that as long as he could put some kung-fu action flicks on there too.

ARG! SHIVER ME DIGNITY!

I hear the Somali pirates plan to avenge the deaths of their mates shot over the weekend. Okay sure. I understand they're upset over the loss of their crew members. Fair enough. Sulk about it. But you know what? They're pirates. Isn't getting shot and/or killed the risk one takes when one decides to go into this line of work?

ANY STRANGE CRAVINGS?

I have strange cravings but they have nothing to do with food. I crave bubbles. Every time I wash my hands, I find myself spending extra time lathering my hands up into a frenzy of bubbles. I'm obsessed with them. And then once I make them I like to stare at them. God, smother me in a tsunami of bubbles!

I really wish I were joking about this.

EASTER BRUNCH

This afternoon The Steady and I went to a friend's house for brunch. Oh cripes, did I eat jelly beans. These friends have three kids all under the age of seven. Shortly after our meal, the youngest, a two year old, had to go down for a nap. Knowing we probably would not be around when he woke up he said his good-byes to all the guests. Knowing also that there's a baby in my belly, he came over to say good-bye to it too. But instead of addressing my mammoth gut, he instead placed a hand right on my boob and said "good-bye baby."

Right after he copped a feel he toddled up stairs to take his nap.

What a rake, huh?

THE GIST OF IT

So Dateline was doing its "incisive reporting" thing on the TV. Meanwhile, I was doing this and that, paying just enough attention to understand the theme for the show: Credulous people bamboozled out tens of thousands of dollars by others who are smarter, but only a teeny tiny bit smarter.

CERTAIN STUDENTS HAVE GONE MISSING

I think it's time I cull the herd.

MEDIA HUNGRY

Two periodicals I need to subscribe to:

1. Wholphin
2. Adbusters

DOWN 1040! YOU BEAST!

Taxes. My god how you make me perspire. I was especially concerned about completing them this year because of my new homeowner status. Farewell E-Z 1040! I'm going to miss your one-page-iness.

Lucky for me, my mom came down to help me file. Her helping me was almost better than getting the refund. But wait! Next year I will file as a married woman with one dependent. My gaze kept snagging on phrases like "child and dependent care expenses" & "additional child tax credit." What the are these things!??

Breathe girl.

MY MAN IS A GOOD MAN

The Steady bought me a sixty-minute massage at the YWCA.

*bliss*

DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT GEOGRAPHY

I met this French guy while trekking through Laos. He asked me where I was from, so I gave him the name of my state. Before I could describe its location in the union he said, "Ah oui, bien sur. Zee capital is St. Paul, no?" Incroyable!

And now let me recall a Stanford graduate I met on a train to Prague. When I told him where I was from he furrowed his brow and asked, "Is that state north of Montana?" No sweetie, Canada is north of Montana.

But I shouldn't judge. My geography is also bad. I'm not like the people on Jay Leno who mistake Australia for Afghanistan, but I get Swaziland and Lesotho mixed up. And I don't know the world's capitals as well as I should. So yeah, I need to work on that.

SUPERHERO IN MY MATH CLASS

I have a guy in my class who looks exactly like The Tick. POW!

MAH BELLY

No more squeezing under fences for me.

FUNNY, YOU NEVER MENTIONED BEFORE

Lately, friends/acquaintances/complete strangers will exclaim: You look so beautiful/cute/great!

It's a curious thing. I'm not used to this kind of attention so I never know how to respond. It would help if I knew what motivated these comments. Are people just wrapped up with the whole Miracle of Life business or are they simply acknowledging the fact that I look like a complete dugong? It never occurred to me to say gushy things to pregnant women before.

The whole thing makes me blush.