MY DRUG OF CHOICE

Dim Sum in San Francisco

WHILE WE'RE AT IT

Along with my credit card bill yesterday, I also paid my electricity bill. Only, I was on the horn with these assholes for almost an hour. You see, I lived in an efficiency for six months before I moved into a spacious one bedroom with RS. One would think that moving into a smaller space might yield a smaller energy bill. But no. I looked at all my old bills and this is what I found:

Room 109 (efficiency, one occupant) 1.24 kWH/day ~ $8/mo.
Room 101 (1 bedroom, two occupants) 2.50 kWH/day ~ $11/mo.
Room 205 (efficiency, one occupant) 5.50 kWH/day ~ $23/mo.

I asked the energy guy about this and he insisted the energy robots that check the meters were not wrong, so it must have something to do with the way I used energy. He asked, do I have an air conditioner? A space heater? An electric blanket? An electric stove? A 200 gallon tropical fish tank? A hydroponics cannabis garden? No. No. No. Gas. No. No. I tried to impress on him my electronically austere life. I told him that I don't have an electric coffee maker let alone a TV/VCR/DVD. I told him how all the bulbs in my apartment are 40 watts or less. He responded by telling me again how accurate the meter checking robots were, like I didn't hear him the first time.

NOT FOR THOSE OF WEAK CONSTITUTION

I just found out today that I owe MBNA $50 in late fees for a balance of $15.68. I called and sweetly reminded them that I have been a 'valued customer' since 1997 and so could they throw me a crumb of clemency? The lady on the phone had this creepy tone in her voice, you know, like she was lacking something. A soul? So I asked to speak to the manager. 227 bars of horrid elevator muzak later (punishment enough?), Chip or Ken or what's-his-name finally got on the phone. I could hear through the receiver how his suit and tie were cinched up around his throat like a silken noose. Promptly, I played my biggest card. I threatened to break up. It was, after all, an abusive relationship. He laughed as he explained in pretentious, abstruse corporate-speak that because I pay my bills in full and have no debt, this is their only opportunity to make money off of me.

Those of weak constitution, please turn you heads from your computer screen while I cast these spells --er I mean, aspersions.

Ahem.

MBNA, you suck syphilis cock. You will never scheme another penny from me again, ever.

OH BORE!

I bought a little ipod nano today. Now I'm officially one of those people. What an icky club we play in! It was actually a christmas gift from my parents that I had put off getting until this weekend. Don't get me wrong. I don't hate technology and I don't hate Apple. I just think these kinds of things encourage people to keep to themselves and detach them from the world around them. But ah, I like the music. Here are some genres I created today:

1. Brooding Music
2. Sweet & Dulcet
3. Comfort Food
4. Cowboy Music
5. Kinetic Rock
6. Space Cadets
7. Reggae
8. Oh Dreamy
9. Dancy Shit
10. Crotch Boy Rock

MAKE MY DAY

I have this student, G, whom I adore. He’s kind of unassuming, but he works really hard and he's thoughtful about the things we cover in class.

G: “Hey, Wren, do we live in a capitalistic society?”
W: “Yeah, our country works as a market economy.”
G: “Uh, what’s the name of that other way of living?
The one where everyone is equal?”
W: “You mean socialism?”
G: “Yeah that! I think that would be better for us.”

THAT SINKING FEELING

I already have several gay boyfriends.

I don't want another gay boyfriend!

SAME PLANET, DIFFERENT WORLDS

I have this students, B. I like him. He is something of an anomaly for two reasons: 1. He's an older student with a family and, 2. He has a genuine alacrity for the subject of environmental science. It is totally refreshing! I'm not sure when/how it all started, but his eight year old son has been battling cancer. I think the little fieldmouse was on the up swing at the beginning of winter quarter because B was merrily buzzing about how his kid is feeling well enough to do wrestling.

Then I got an email from him last week, apologizing for being absent the day before without notice. He was writing from the Children's Hospital and he told me that his son just had major surgery to remove another tumor. He reassures me that he will have his research paper in as soon as he can. I wrote him back and told him not to spend a single ounce of energy thinking about classwork until things have stabilized with his son.

He came in today between classes with his research paper. I told him about all the trivial things he missed over the past few days and then asked him about his boy. We spoke briefly. It does not look good. The boy has to use up his lifetime dose of radiation as a last resort and they have to use more risky, experimental chemotherapy. B kind of left in a rush because things were getting too emotional. I can't believe it.

I cannot believe that someone so terrific, dealing with something so difficult came in to hand in a paper while the rest of my students can't seem to make it to their 9:30 a.m. class because they just don't have enough discipline to roll out of bed.

Could this day get any more soggy?

THIS LIFE PATH

Moments ago I stood in front of a school bathroom mirror searching for a part in my hair, as though it already existed, like some kind of fossilized bone, and all I had to do was uncover it.

This is a metaphor.

TOO MUCH CHEESE

I hung out with my friend Max last night. I told him how constipated I was, and he said he'd set me up with some pills. "Oh you have pills for everything, Max!" So he put them out on the kitchen counter top for me to take later. As he was driving me home, he remembered how we left them. "Awwww!" I exclaimed, "Oh well, I'll make do." Get it? I'll make doo? As in doo-doo. And then we laughed so hard he almost had to pull over.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND

Have you ever felt so happy, it makes you sad?

Yeah, what's that all about?

SAGE

Last night PRADA gave me a small ziplock bag filled with sage from his mother's garden in Amman, Jordan. He told me that it can neutralize a troubled stomach as well as take the edge off black tea. I opened the bag and took a long drag. It is sooooooooo good! It smells like mother nature's arm pits.

WITLESS POETRY

I’m sitting at A Café right now going positively cross-eyed over a stack of research papers. I have my students come up with an environmental science question and then they research the answer to said question. One of my students posed the following: How do large dames affect river ecosystems? Then he goes on to explain how 'large dames' give off just as much carbon dioxide and methane gas as coal fired power plants!

What an amazing blunder!

Another student spoke about a possible correlation between an increase in hurricane activity and 'worming of ocean currents.' The worming of ocean currents is of course due to: global worming. Oh my god! Global Worming! What does this mean!!!???

It doesn’t sound good.

CLAP YOUR HANDS SAY, NO!

I was just dancing like a maniac to Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! God, it’s so bad!!!!!!!!! Someone should have just shot me through the window, and put me out of my misery.

HOT MONKEY SEX

Everybody seems like they're in a super-fantastic mood this morning. I guess it's because they all had hot monkey sex last night. Imagine how happy we would be (as a society) if we just had more sex. I'm in a good mood because:

1. I got my schedule for spring quarter.
2. I am scheduled for 27 contact hours.
3. No new preps!
4. I've decided to go to Russia this summer.

There, I've said it. Now I have to go.

TRY ME!

Last week I was in the heath and body isle at the neighborhood co-op looking for deodorant when I happened upon some vials of vulva balm. One of them was a tester. It had a sticker on it that read: TRY ME!

…

Like, here?

True story.

Happy V.D. (hee hee)!

(CONTROL) FREAK

My friend Max says that straight girls generally don’t like giving head, unless they’re control freaks. What the fuck does this mean?? Now I’m all introspective.

Shit.

I LOVE YOU.

I love you too.

QUIZ #3

8. Why might wild crop varieties be important in modern agriculture?

(2 points)

S. WROTE: Because god planed out the earth and chose to put those crops in sertan [sic] areas because they grow better there.

I REPLIED: Sure, but how does that help modern agriculture?

MY ENCOUNTER WITH A KIWI

Today I went to a coffee shop directly after work to correct some tests. I was about half way through when I heard “Psssst! Pssssssssst!!” When I looked up I saw a boy with his head pushed through a crack in the door. He gave me some salutation and I reciprocated. I put my glasses on and asked if I knew him. He said, no. He came in and introduced himself as Francis. We chatted for over thirty minutes about drugs, surfing and the west coast. He’s a 23 year old space cadet from New Zealand. Why don’t people do this kind of thing more often?

CO-WORKERS FOR COCTEAU

Here's a little sub-conversation that took place last Monday over several emails between a co-worker and myself. This person has been lending me music from his very comprehensive compact disk collection and it's like a morphine drip.

ME: Loving on Blue Bell Knoll!

PRADA: Isn’t Blue Bell Knoll utterly gorgeous? Especially “Itchy Glowbo Blow.” Ha, ha.

ME: Indeed, the Cocteau Twins are very dreamy. My Glowbo Blow is feeling rather itchy just thinking about them. I really ought to go home and…scratch it?

SHOULD I WIN THE LOTTERY

If I had a lot of money I would buy a huge warehouse space with floor to ceiling windows and wooden floors. I wouldn't own furniture. I would just walk around all day in paten leather tap shoes. You know, the kind that tie with a fat black bow?

"A" IS FOR ATTITUDE

Dearest Student A,

What is your fucking beef with the world, huh? You're young, motivated, smart, and yet somehow you've managed to get yourself kicked out of three separate classes (four, if you include mine). The sad thing is I am still not sure you understand why you were asked to leave. Apparently, the whole concept of inappropriate language is lost on you. I know! I know! When you said that thing about young girls' titties and asses in my science class, you were referring to your own daughter* and somehow (in your own mind) that makes it okay. But it's not. It's offensive. At the very least, it exhibits poor taste and judgment. You keep going on and on about how you're older and more experienced than your classmates. Why not start acting like it?

Sincerely,

Winter Wren

* Say wha??

DO NUNS HAVE WET DREAMS?

I like to document things. I wish I could fix a camera to my head, right between my eyes. I mean, life is too fucking interesting and I don't want to miss the colors and the atmosphere and the expressions on people's faces. These things are too precious and my little words would never be enough to capture it all.

I have had a dictaphone around for the last three years. I usually keep in my apartment, but I will bring it out if I know I'm going to be in good company. I have been listening to some of the older installments lately and they are really kind of raw. For example, I recorded the sound of numbers being dialed on a telephone when I made that fateful call to my husband in China, asking him for a divorce. I also recorded myself right after I hung up the phone. It was mostly incoherent blubbering. Once I recorded an entire evening spent in the company of a dutch apple pie. I spoke at length about the binge and purge process. Really, I recorded everything short of the actual yakking. I want to be on This American Life!

Mostly it's inane drivel. You know, questions like, "I wonder if nuns have wet dreams," or little observations like, "I have an older brother but I'm the first child."

DISCLAIMER

Hello. My name is Winter Wren. And I'm a selfish asshole.

WORK PARTY

One walk in the wilderness with PRADA.
Two for ones at Joe’s.
Three servings of lox.
Four danceable 80’s songs.
Five times, I fell in love.

And one smart cigarette before we go.

SAME SHIT, DIFFERENT DAY

So my student M. How does one describe him? He’s like this mid-west cornfield surfer dude slash pot head, only far less cool. He’s got a voice like a lame animal. It’s pathetic and whiny and has no shape. When I hear it, I want to stab pencils into my brain. Am I making myself clear? He rarely comes to class and when he does, he’s never listening to my lecture. Instead he’s messing around with his idiot My Space account.

Anyway, today he came to class with a plate of hot food and after he finished eating, he had the audacity to ask me to hand him one of the napkins stacked near the dry erase board. I am right in the middle of a lecture about the geometry of circles, so I’m thinking, a) inappropriate, and b) rude, and c) hell no and a few other things I'm not even going to type. I am paid to teach math. I am not paid to hand whiny kids nappies so they can clean up their little messes. So I ignored him and he sulked.

Oh, hon. Didn’t get what you want?

I know life is so hard, right?

After the lecture he packed up his things and left. I decided to follow him out so we could have a little talk in the hall. I asked him what was up, and he told me that he thinks I’m uptight and cranky and that I don’t like to have any fun. Awesome. I was laughing at this point because it was so clear to me. He thinks I’m a total drag because I don’t brook his bullshit. He’s the only person getting a D+ in the class and he’s criticizing me for not making class fun.

Ach, kids.

SINCE HE LEFT:

I have been drinking less.
I have been smoking less.
I have been eating less.
I have been sleeping less.

I have been going out more.
I have been focusing more.
I have been listening to myself more.
I have been talking to myself more.
I have been singing out loud more.

FOLLOW YOUR HEART

Hello Kittens. I am posting these words from the kitchen table in my new studio apartment. RS and I are on sabbatical. We're not quite sure what that means. He’s moving 1,658 miles west and I’m staying here. He was feeling stifled in this city and I was just feeling stifled. I am having Kirin Ichiban beer and edamame for dinner.

*audible sigh*

Life is so strange.