A THOUSAND WORDS

A THOUSAND WORDS

SO NOW YOU KNOW

I was not a breastfed baby. It simply wasn't in vogue at the time. But I've always wondered what human breast milk tastes like. And now I know: Foremilk tastes like Rice Dream, while hindmilk tastes like Carnation Evaporated Milk.

And now you know too.

BREASTFEEDING = CONSTIPATION

ARG! Deliver me from this hell!

ABOUT SLEEP DEPRIVATION

I feel like a marine.

Without all the camouflage.

I'M STILL HERE

Only just barely.

POSTPARTUM RUN

I went on my first postpartum run this evening. All of the doctors and books say you should hold off until after week six, but I just couldn't stand being cooped up in the house any longer! So it was a slow run. And on the way two guys passed me. I am pretty competitive during exercise and I don't like it when people pass me. I was tempted to yell after them, "Oh yeah? Well I had a baby two and a half weeks ago! So there!"

But I ended up not saying such things.

Because only crazy people yell like that.

SLEEPS LIKE A BABY

Who invented this rotten simile? Do you know how babies sleep?? I do. But the night waking and feeding I had expected. The thing I did not anticipate is the amount of noise an infant makes while sleeping. They grunt and snort and gargle like little trolls. My child sounds exactly like Looney Tunes' tasmanian devil. Apparently this is normal. It's very unsettling, but normal.

DUE DATE

Today was the supposed "due date." What's the point of a due date? So much of this is guess work. The doctors have about as much accuracy as the a weatherman predicting major storms. I suspected it was wrong all along. Of course, I can say that now that it's over.

TEN POUNDS

I gained exactly thirty pounds during my pregnancy (recommendations fall between 25-35 lbs). Now that the kid is two weeks old I decided to check my postpartum weight for the first time. I've already lost 20 lbs. Three cheers for breastfeeding! Did you know breastfeeding moms need to consume an extra 500 - 1,000 calories a day?

Already my joints feel relieved. It must be horribly taxing on one's frame to be overweight. I had a rough time lugging around 30 extra pounds. It is hard to imagine slogging around 50 or 80!

BRIGHT EYES

About ten minutes after birth.

EAT, POOP, SLEEP, REPEAT

Working outside the home is so much easier than caring for a newborn. But this job at home is leagues, I mean leagues more rewarding.

ARE YOU MY MOTHER?

My mom took a good look at Oscar before she said, "he doesn't really look like you." I suppose of all people, my mom would know. So now I wonder if he's really mine.

The Steady thinks we should all be guests on Maury Povich. During the show, I would be subjected to a maternity test. Within the hour it would be revealed that The Steady secretly planted a fertilized egg in my womb. The egg would belong to some hussy named Darla who didn't want to ruin her body with pregnancy. Just think of the ratings...

WHAT DO YOU MEAN "YEARS?"

My mom came down and stayed with us Wednesday and Thursday night this week. It was helpful to have someone around since the Steady had to return to work. While here, she received an email from an old friend in China. He asked her how she's doing. My ma told him her daughter just had a baby boy and so, she is staying with her to help her out.

The friend replied: Congratulations! How many years do you plan to stay with your daughter?

THESE HANDS ARE ANYTHING BUT IDLE

My cuticles are looking marvelous these days. Lately, my hands have been far too busy for nervous nibbling.

BABIES ALL THE TIME

My friends Ked and Pollen came over yesterday and mowed our lawn. People have been so darn nice to us. We should have babies all the time!

ABOUT SLEEP

I'm not getting more sleep, I'm just learning how to cope with less...

"GUESTS"

The Steady's parents drove to town once they heard I was going into labor. They came to the hospital on our release day and drove home with us. It was a very stressful morning what with all the paperwork, never mind the new responsibility of a howling newborn.

I mean can you imagine the craziness of it all?

The Steady's mom (a kind, generous, but extremely high maintenance person) makes a beeline for the bathroom once we get home. And I'm frazzled out of my fucking wits when I suddenly hear her shout from behind the bathroom door, "Don't you guys have any hand towels!?"

Seriously woman? We're bringing home our very first newborn and all you can do is complain about our lack of hand towels?? That is when I knew long days were ahead.

MOM AND DAD

My mother and father came up yesterday to help out. Mom stocked our fridge and freezer with an entire weeks worth of homemade food while dad planted our vegetable garden. I wept countless times during the day as I was completely overwhelmed by their kindness.

Also because I was completely overwhelmed with hormones.

But mostly it was their kindness.

IT WENT A LITTLE SOMETHING LIKE THIS:

Around 2:30 AM I reluctantly poked The Steady. He rolled out of bed and showered off the grass stains from the night before while I shoved odd items into a bag. I meant to have my hospital bag packed and ready to go, but fifteen days before my official due date I had not gotten around to it.

We stopped off at the video store on our way to the hospital to drop off a movie we rented. I think it was Religulous with Bill Maher. Good flick.

The hospital is a quick two miles from our house. We actually spent more time trying to find an entrance to the hospital once we parked. We checked into a room and a nurse came in to confirm my labor. The amniotic fluid on her shoes seemed convincing. It was a little after 4:00 AM so we roamed the quiet halls. At one point we stopped at McDonald's so The Steady could buy something that resembled food and coffee. He paid while I anxiously leaked amniotic fluid near the fountain drinks.

The doctor didn't arrive until about 7:30 AM. She told me I was not progressing fast enough and recommended I be induced with Pitocin. I wanted to avoid the use of Pitocin, but she insisted. I was hooked up to a machine and in less than an hour I was bellowing like a musk ox. Holy shit, I have never felt pain like that in my life. So the next big question was: Should I have an epidural? Again, I wanted to avoid the epidural because 1) it keeps you on your back which can stall labor and 2) I wanted to be able to feel what was going on during the pushing stage. That's what it said in my birth plan anyway.

Fuck that.

It took an hour for the anesthesiologist to hook me up. At this point it's about 12:30 PM and my parents arrived. The next 8 hours were pretty uneventful. I drifted in/out of sleep while my parents and husband made a) comments about the contractions on the little ticker tape machine next to my bed and b) frequent trips to the vending machine.

"Ooo, that was a big contraction. Did you feel that one?"

"Does anyone else want another cup of coffee?"

Around 8:00 PM I finally reached 10 centimeters. I kept waiting for the doctor to arrive, but she was too wrapped up in a game of Minesweeper at the nurses station to be bothered. So, I started pushing with one of the nurses and The Steady. He helped with counting and encouragement. What can I say? The birth of my son felt like it took 20 minutes when it actually took two hours. The Doctor did finally arrive at some point. They put him in my arms as soon as The Steady cut the umbilical cord. His eyes were wide open. He was beautiful and pink and beautiful. My son and I, we were both so tired from the labor that we slept six hours that night. I haven't slept so many consecutive hours since.

IT WENT A LITTLE SOMETHING LIKE THIS:

Tuesday, June 2 was a typical day. I went to the YWCA in the morning and sat on a (very reclined) stationary bike for an hour while reading The End of Food by P. Roberts. Then I went to work where I submitted all my final grades for the quarter. When I got home, charmed by the nice weather, I decided to go for a slow three mile walk. When The Steady came home, we had a light snack before we headed out to his ultimate frisbee game. Yeah, so maybe I tossed the B around a little bit. I couldn't help it.

After a victorious game we went to the bar. And that's when I started leaking amniotic fluid, while I was waiting for my chicken quesadilla to arrive! Man, the service was particularly bad that night. We got home around 11:30 PM. I woke up two hours later thinking: Whoa, that was no Braxton-Hicks.

SIX TO EIGHT DAYS

A few weeks ago I went to the bookstore to buy a recommendation titled The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth. They did not have any in stock so I asked the store to order it. They said it would arrive in about six to eight days. I didn't hear from them until this Wednesday. I'm not even joking. Half way through a crippling contraction the bookstore calls me to tell me my book is in and would I like to come pick it up. I do not recall, exactly, my response but it was enough to make the nurse drop her clipboard.

DIVISIBLE BY THREE

I know this cosmic coincidence is probably totally obvious, but I want to point it out anyway: The Steady and I were wed on 03.06.09 while our son was born 06.03.09.

I AM IN LOVE

True Love
7 lbs 8 oz

TEST #4

There's a guy in my class who is always shopping online when he should be taking notes. Here's an excerpt from the latest test:

Question: Describe at least two renewable energy sources. (2 points)

Answer: Electricity

Boy, am I glad the quarter is almost over.

NEIGHBORHOOD CRAZIES

Just moments ago I was at the neighborhood grocery store. I only had to pick up three items but I expected the place to be busy because it's nearly dinnertime. A fifty something year old man and I approached the dairy cases at the very same time. He was wearing mismatched plaid pajama tops and bottoms. The bottoms had several holes worn in them. A few of them were alarmingly high on his leg.

Anyway, he sort of walked up to the case and stood there so I crossed him in order to access the skim milk. Almost immediately, he started yammering about how he needed to get into the case that I just crossed, even though he made absolutely no effort to do so when I went for the milk. Then, he started to say something like, "You're in a hurry? Well I'm in a hurry too. I got the TV repair guy coming to my house in a bit blah blah blah." But you know what? I was walking away from him because it really wasn't a big deal what happened. But as I was halfway down the next isle, I hear him shout after me, "Everyone's in a goddamn hurry!" He'd thrown up his hands and he was in a rage.

I turned, paused and looked at him and asked with utmost sincerity, "Are you drunk?"

Half a minute later I was up at the check-out counter when I saw him exit the store with all the fury of a tornado. He nearly slammed the exit door off of its hinges as he departed.