THE DRAIN! THE DRAIN!

I'm starting to feel itchy.

IF WE WERE ONLY SEVEN

Since the tub drain is temporarily fucked, The Steady and I cannot take showers. We both agreed, this would have been splendid if we were still seven. We would have been happy to skip the shower and go straight to dinner: Co-Co Puffs and a tall cold glass of Strawberry Quick.

However, and I'm not sure when this changed, we are now adults. And dirty feels, well, dirty. And moist towelettes do not a shower make.

DRAIN(ED)

This afternoon I had plans to pay someone $95 to snake the tub drain. Instead I paid someone $95 to not snake the tub drain and tell me that I need to pay another person $300 in order to cut out old pipes and put in new pipes.

Super fantastic.

FAMILY FAULTS

A very good friend of mine just found out that her parents are not her true, biological parents. It's like she lived on a fault line her whole life without knowing it. And then suddenly, at thirty, the tectonic plates slid beneath her feet without warning or consent.

I LICK ART

Last night I went to The Museum of Russian Art to see an exhibit titled, Russian Impressionism: On the Edge of Soviet Art. Some of the paints were so glossy, some brushstrokes so thick, I found myself wanting very badly to lick the canvas.

DREAM TWENTY-ONE

Mom and I are sitting at the kitchen table, a saffron colored veneer from my childhood. A single blanket is tucked around our waists, and covers our legs. Some ‘snake expert’ warns me earlier in the dream that we will be visited by a snake.

Sure enough, one emerges from a fold in the blanket. Mom freaks out and shakes a finger at it. It bites her hand and she becomes hysterical. Now things are out of control and I feel compelled to grab the serpent by the throat. I pinch it with two fingers like they do on TV. The snake is less than two feet, but I’m impressed with its strength. Having seen its teeth, I know it’s venomous, but it is also doing some insane constrictor maneuvers with its tail. It is working its way out of my grasp. I run into another room in the house. I find dad sitting at his desk, correcting papers and biting his cuticles. My brother is also in the room reading a book. I implore them to help me, but all they can do is stare, unaffected.

DREAM TWENTY

Last night my sister friend and I slipped into a pair of carnival swings and toured Gotham City. At night. It was awesome.

PLANET OF THE APES

This morning, The Steady exclaimed to nobody in particular: Take your stinking paws off me you damn dirty ape.

The randomness of it made me howl.

SKEEVY DOUCHE-BAG

I have this student T. He's your quintessential skeevy douche-bag. Why might I assign such a harsh label? Well, one day I was setting up the TV VCR at the beginning of class when he bursts out, "Is there going to be any girl-on-girl action?" Okay 1) not even funny and 2) nobody wants to know about your sad/lonely/pathetic weekend hobbies. Least of all me.

When he has a question or if I help him solve a problem, he always says 'thank you dere!' I had always hoped he was saying the word 'there' with a thick northern accent but lately, it sounds as if he is actually calling me 'dear' which makes me Shudder! With! Disgust!

Icky Yucky Yuck!!

Since I was not absolutely sure what he was saying, I never corrected him. But today he called me 'sweetie.' Argh! I said, 'Don't call me dear and don't call me sweetie, ever! I am neither to you!!'

RANGE, RANGE IN THE HOME

When I moved into the tree house last October, I found the range oven useless and only three of the four burners worked. What was I to expect from an appliance that was harvest gold? I think they stopped that color line (as well as avocado green) in 1973.

I NEED A DRINK.

I have two challenging classes back-to-back every afternoon. And by 'challenging' I mean they're both teeming with corn holes.

In my first afternoon class, one student kept stuffing bits of paper into his nostril. He was doing this, I am sure, to make the children laugh and play. But it was getting in the way of my job, you know, teaching? I had to stop class and ask him not to shove sundries up his nose. And then I stared into an imaginary camera (fodder for the imaginary documentary I'm directing) and shook my head in disbelief.

Then, as I entered my second afternoon class one guy sighed and said: "Oh shit. She's here!"

Yup, thanks asshole.
Thanks a pants load.
Class dismissed.

NO BABY, DON'T LEAVE!

I heard someone on the radio cleverly equate Minnesota’s relationship with Northwest Airlines to a horrible love affair. The airline would throw temper tantrums, flirt with other hub cities, and just act manipulative in general while Minnesota would quietly pick up the dinner tab.

Now Northwest is merging with Delta and the House Republicans want to propose a package of tax breaks designed to keep Delta in MN. *SIGH* Why don’t we all just rip Delta’s pants off in the capital atrium and blow them? Some might equate the relationship to a bad love affair. I choose to equate it to prostitution.

APPARENTLY NOT A SPIDER MAN

A couple of nights ago before going to sleep, I noticed 16 little green legs on the ceiling. The Steady and I discussed it briefly. He would have been fine squashing them, but I had to insist on capture-release. What kind of childhood did this man have? Doesn't he remember what happed to Aunt Sponge and Aunt Spiker?

SHE'S COME UN-POTTED

I came home this afternoon to find one potted plant, un-potted. Black soil and tiny Styrofoam balls were spilled on the floor and sofa. I herded the cats into the living room and began to interrogate. I demanded, “Blah, blah?” And then I waved a stiff hand at the mess and yelled, “Blah! Blah! Blah!” I know they don’t understand words so I didn’t bother to come up with any. They just blinked their little green eyes. The Steady’s cat at least had the decency to look alarmed at my noise.

IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING

The guy on the radio said: Wow! it's absolutely gorgeous outside today at 52 degrees!

Just in case you're wondering what kind of spring we're having here.

DANG POSEUR

This woman at work dyed her hair (a la winter wren!!) and now she has started wearing glasses. Humgh! I guess I'm territorial. Who knew? I do believe there is only room for one nerdy-cute girl at this school, m'sista.

So, go fill someone else's niche.

One student mistook me for her. When I saw her in the bathroom today, she barked hello and, with a maniacal laugh, called me her 'twin.’ Oh my sweet darlings. How it made my jaw tighten! How it made my ass twitch! I jocundly vented to Prada. He smirked and said, “Bah! You are twice as smart as she.”

WELCOME TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD

Biking home from work this week, I noticed a parked car that I assume belongs to a neighbor. It has a bumper sticker that reads: Criminals love unarmed victims. I glanced at the house and made a mental note. Never go trick or treating there.

SHOOT, THAT'S NOTHING

I hardly weigh myself anymore. I am not trying to lose or gain weight, so the activity is kind of pointless. But every once in a while, I will do it several days in a row until inevitably I lose interest and stop.

It's like flossing.

And so I weighed myself on Friday and I came in at 144 lbs. And then I checked again on Monday and I was 149 lbs. I know I ate a lot of peanut M&Ms on Saturday night, but five pounds?? Intrigued, I weighed myself again today (Tuesday) and now I am 145 lbs. So I gained five pounds over the weekend and then lost four pounds in one day. What is that?? Poop? And water?

It must be poop and water.

And I love it when people go on diets for like, a week, and then report, "I have been eating egg whites and air for seven days and I lost three whole pounds!!" Fuck, that's nothing. Apparently I can poop and sweat four pounds in a single day!

PARENT CERTIFIED

I'm sitting in a bourgie coffee shop right now, half typing, half listening to a couple (with two children) interview a pink sweatered nanny. I find it funny how they ask her if she is CPR certified...It makes me wonder if the parents are CPR certified.

NEITHER HERE NOR THERE

Perhaps humans were not meant to digest sesame seeds?

GOOD DOG!

My friend has an English Bulldog. When he faces you head on, he looks like he's laughing, like The Joker. I'm told he is small for his breed, but he's a big wad of muscle. He's shaped like a bullet. Whenever I see him I always have to fight the urge to pack him into the barrel of a gun and shoot him.

Yeah, I bed he'd like that.

OH SLIM

Dear Slim. Why do you scare me so?

I am trying to imagine making out with someone in a unitard. Okay, not so hard. But when I think about someone wearing a unitard with pictures of his organs on it, my mind is suddenly left to wander. You know, about stomach sphincters. And things of that nature.

TOO MUCH INFORMATION

If a student has a legitimate excuse for missing class, it is my policy to give that person an excused absence. I'm pretty reasonable. I know how people get sick or have to deal with family emergencies. I think it is only fair to cut slack when slack cutting is required.

One student, M, missed class yesterday. He told me he has a lot of stuff going on in his life right now. (OK, fine.) And then he goes on to tell me how he got two women pregnant and how he is trying to keep them from getting abortions and one of them is pissed at him and turned his phone off and that's why he slept in yesterday and missed class.

The whole time he spoke, I was trying to stanch his words. I shook my head and made quick cutting motions with my hands. Finally, I told him to stop talking. Please just stop talking! But what kills me is how he kept shrugging his shoulders, insisting he is super responsible, insisting that others keep trying to sabotage his good intentions. People just keep 'messing' with him. People like the baby-mama that turned off his phone.

I so badly wanted to point out the obvious: That if he were responsible, why did he get two women pregnant? But I didn't want to sound like that Jerry Springer audience member. You know, the one in the back row that's tossing a pointed finger around, saying things like, "Hey Jerry! Uh yah uuh! I just wanna say, I don't remember your name, but you, yeah you with the red sweater, that shits fucked up dude! You can't just keep havin babies with all kinds of women! Uuh that's messed up!"

*sigh*

I don't want to be that person.